A gift for my 44th

As some of you might know, our former "president" -- I hesitate to call him that -- will be speaking this weekend at CPAC. Isn't it odd that a bunch of old white conservatives, just a few hundred heartbeats away from taking their eternal Dirt Nap, have named their convention after a slimy sleep aid that breeds bacteria and needs daily sterilization. 

It's the first major "speech" -- I hesitate to call what he gives, a speech, as well -- since leaving office. 

Ironically, the "speech" is to be given on February 28th. My birthday. 44, if anyone is curious.

We here at RoundSeventeen have obtained an exclusive peak at the "speech". 

How did I get hold of this prized document, which in essence is an early birthday present? Discretion prohibits me from revealing too many details, suffice to say it involved numerous Soros-paid operatives, a Mossad-trained dolphin skilled in underwater surveillance and of course, the super top secret Jewish Space Laser.

If I were to reveal any more details, my handlers would force me to watch the Woody Allen documentary while eating a pastrami sandwich slathered in mayonnaise.

So, without further ado...

"Thank you, thank you. Ah, what great Americans. What a joy it is to be surrounded by great Americans, real Americans. Thank You. Please sit down. It's been awhile since I've done one of these I hope I can remember how it's done. 

(FINGER POINTS AT CROWD)

I want to thank you for showing up. And for wearing your hats and your buttons and the flags on your car. We're still in this fight. Because that's what we do. We fight. Am I allowed to say that? Those radical socialists wanted to impeach me for saying we fight, but they lost. They're losers. And they elect losers. 

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

I'd say the sleepy guy the put in the White House is a loser too, but they tell me it's not proper etiquette to speak poorly of my succor...success..succsssess...opponent. But you know what I'm talking about. 500,000 people are dead now. And who is the president? 

CROWD: Sleepy Joe, Sleepy Joe

He's a disaster. A disgrace. And a stone cold crimnal..crnal...cimin...crook. He's a crook. But we fight. We have to. We have to keep fighting. We have not choice. We have to fight. We can't let these Deep State communists, and they are communists, believe me, they're totally owned by China, steal our elections and our great country. It's a great country.

CROWD: USA...USA...USA

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Well you get the idea. It goes on like this and circles back over the same talking points and baseless grievances for another 90 minutes.

I have to cut it short. I have to feed the dolphin.