The tale of Kris Kyle Kobach

It's Election Day 2020.

But before we get to that let's go back four years to Election Day 2016, when the electoral college, in all their wisdom, gave the presidency to Commander Assnapkin. He won 306 electoral votes, from states where people who, in addition to having no higher education, often have no foot coverin's either.

However, and much to Grandpa Ramblemouth's dismay, he lost the popular vote. 65 million Americans voted for Hillary Clinton and 63 million shoeless, witless clods voted for Captain Ouchie Foot.

This did not sit well with our newly crowned prince. He claimed there were voter irregularities. And demanded an explanation. He went so far as to posit 5 million illegal voters boarded busses (?) and went to New Hampshire and other places in order to cast fraudulent votes for Hillary Clinton.

5 MILLION!

The picture above is 5 million dollars. In hundred dollar denominations. So imagine each bill were a phantom illegal voter, and multiply that by a 100. Ridiculous right? 

Wrong.

Pulling his new found levers of power, he appointed Kris Kobach, the Matthew Spencer Peterson of Midwestern junior politics, to spearhead a commission to track down these 5 million illegal voters.

He looks reputable. Kobach was given a sizable budget and the charter to begin the laughably-named Voter Integrity Commission.

Office space was leased. Computers were purchased and jacked into high speed wifi. Lunch and dinner accounts were set up at local restaurants, so that Kris and his team of political sleuths could sniff out leads and track down every Paco, Louissa, and Pedro that not only entered our country illegally, but risked their lives and a stint in federal prison in order to cast a vote for Crooked Hillary.

Now it is not easy for 5 million people to scheme, plot and execute an election fraud of such magnitude. Were they communicating by text? Were they holed up at Motel 6's throughout New England? Were they captured on security cams at local 7-11's to pick up some Slim Jims and Modelo beer? 

Nor is it easy for 5 million people not to leave a SINGLE trace of evidence. Not so much as a discarded Dasani Water bottle with foreign fingerprints.

Well, Kobach's Voter Integrity Commission did not find much in the way of voter fraud.

In fact they didn't even find a little.

In even more astounding fact, they found NO evidence of voter fraud.

NONE!!!

Keep that in mind when the man who altered a weather map with a sharpie, 

the man who said noisy windmills cause cancer,

the man who said he'd never have time for golf,

the man who said US Steel built 6 new plants,

the man who said he didn't blackmail Ukraine,

the man who said Mexico would pay for the wall, 

the man who said he had a new healthcare plan ready, 

the man who called Covid a Hoax and now has the blood of a quarter million Americans on his hands, tells you today's election was rigged.

FUCK TRUMP