Monday, November 9, 2020

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please assemble, the news conference is about to begin..."

As I have stated on many occasions, I often do my R17 blogging in one sitting. 

That is, I have carved out some alone time for myself, early Saturday morning and usually knock out 3-4 first drafts of the postings that will appear the following week. My wife and daughters know not to disturb me. And they have faithfully honored my everlasting wish for some damn peace and quiet.

This week that became impossible this Saturday morning because of the historic, joyous, life-giving news for 52% of the country.

Almost lost in Saturday's orgasmic experience was a small story that has had me laughing out loud, in unexpected spurts, like Joaquin Phoenix's Arthur Fleck in JOKER.

A short recap.

Attempting to fend off the inevitable election news, Precedent Shitgibbon told his taintlicking amateur lawyer, Rudy Ghouliani to stage a press conference. But instead of arranging it at the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, an oxymoron if there ever was one, he tweeted that it would be held at FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING.


Astute observers naturally chalked this up to the Commander Assnapkin's declining mental facilities and took it as another of a thousand gaffes, like Hamberder. Or Covfefe. Or Frederick Douglass. 

But the White House, unwilling to admit a mistake, like 63 million Americans circa 2016, went through with the "news conference." 

At the FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING offices in an industrial park area of Northeastern Philadelphia. Right next store to an Adult Boutique that sells oversized dildos, oddly shaped butt plugs and streams Stormy Daniels flicks in their sticky peep booths.

This is my favorite photo from the debacle. I love how it reads left to right in ascending order of intelligence. Trump -- Giuliani -- Garden Hose.

I added the editorial commentary.

But there he is, the official lawyer for the President of the United States of America, making his case to annul the results of the 2020 election and literally seeking to change the trajectory of American Democracy, standing next to an industrial garden hose, because he and his colleagues didn't have time to clear the surrounding area, at the FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING  -- "the home for all your gardening, landscaping and sewage draining needs. Serving the North Philadelphia/Tristate area since 1973."

As one pundit and professional comedy writer on Twitter put it, "in all my years of writing sketches and jokes, I could not have possibly come up with anything funnier. Ever. Never."

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the same clownish legal buffoon, who only a week earlier, was caught on film, compliments of Borat, in the hotel room of an attractive young lady, "tucking in his shirt" while trying to awaken Mr. Happy for a ride on the Poontang Service Elevator.

Again, this is the official personal attorney for the President of the United States of America!

It's Sunday morning as I write this. Monday morning as you read this. And hours before the late night TV hosts give this nugget from the Comedy Gods a thorough thrashing. As is often the case, I frequently beat them to the punchline, mediocre comedy minds think alike. 

With that in mind, there's a chance Colbert or Kimmel or Fallon might offer Rudy a legitimate excuse for staging a news conference at FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING, only because there was insufficient parking at Ritz Carlton Roofing & Gutters.

Rimshot, please.


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