Hello Matey

I did the 23&me thing about two years ago. In that time, not one relative, distant or otherwise, has ever reached out to me.

Though to be honest, I can't blame them.

If I found out I were related to me, I'd be running for the hills. Once in the hills, I'd be looking for an airport. To take me to a place where there's a boat. A boat that could take me to a deserted island. Hopefully one with WiFi.

But that kind understanding has not reached Esher, England. Because quite unexpectedly, the 23&me folks forwarded me a message that simply read, "Hey cousin!"

This young woman, whose name I will not divulge, is a third or fourth cousin on my mother's side. She even shares my mother's maiden name. Meaning she hails from my mother's paternal side, who I know nothing about. Other than they were poor, not very educated and probably drank.

I can also assume they had a wicked sense of humor. My Scottish mother's family all have hearty, infectious and unstoppable laughs.

Though to be honest again, I never understood what they were laughing about. I wish these people spoke English.

In any case, the connection made me rather curious about 23&me and I returned to my readout to see what else was going on.

There, I discovered, 23&me had assembled a personalized chart of my genetic traits.

Hard to believe these scientitians can tell all that about me just because I spit in a little test tube more than two years ago. And this list is hardly comprehensive. For another $69 the good people at the lab can tell me 100 other things I already know and/or loathe about myself.

Given the accuracy/inaccuracy of the above findings, it's a safe bet I won't be writing them another check.

You see while I don't have dimples or bunions or even a bald spot -- I have a bald head -- I do love cilantro and won't eat a taco without it.

Morevover, on the very important issue of upper back hair -- in the top left drawer of our new bathroom we keep a fully charged Remington electric shaver on hand for the earliest signs of "sprouting."