Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Case of the Mysterious Spanx Tank

Let me begin by saying I love a good prank.

Years ago, a colleague of mine returned from a business trip to Germany and made the mistake of telling us of a short-lived romantic tryst in Munich. He said it ended when she started acting way too clingy.

Of course, telling us (the other juveniles in the Creative Department) about his new stalker lady friend was not wise in the least. We colluded with some folks we knew in Europe and started sending him postcards from Frau Fatal Attraction with genuine German postmarks.

When they arrived at the office, he would nervously read the postcards aloud to us. We took far too much delight in his intercontinental squirming.

More recently, one of my art director partners was booked on a job in NYC. He also made the mistake of telling me which hotel he was staying at -- a tony boutique in the West Village. I had my wife leave a voice message in his hotel room that required his immediate attention.

"Hello Mr. ________, there is a problem with the hotel pay per view system. Our records indicate you have been watching Latina MILFs #19, Volume Big & Busty, for the past consecutive day and half. Could you come down to the front desk and ask for me, the Assistant Manager?"

And sure enough he did.

You know that old expression "payback is a bitch", well I have been expecting that bitch for quite some time.

Last week, I received a mysterious squishy package via the US Mail. My wife was home when I opened the padded envelope. We both wondered aloud what it could be. A T-shirt from my daughter's sorority house? A promotional cooking apron from a fancy restaurant supply house?

No, it was a Man Spanx (see picture above).

OK, I thought, where's the funny note to accompany this industrial body vice? There was none. The return address on the envelope offered nothing in the way of a clue either. Only that the constricting apparel came from an online vendor appropriately called the Chest FX Store.

Naturally I made some phone calls, queried friends and family, and no one has taken any responsibility.

All however have asked if I would be so kind as to 'slip' into the Man Spanx Tank and provide a picture.

Yeah, no thanks.

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