Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Thank You Science

Can't remember where you left your car keys?

Is the Kale Emporium all out of Kale?

Or maybe you returned from the supermarket with the wrong brand of trash bags, the ones your wife specifically instructed you not to buy?

Don't blame it on Islamic terrorists or that crappy Open Office Plan foisted on you by the enlightened thinkers in the finance department, as I have been known to do.

It could be, so I'm told by people with a PhD. in Astrology, that it's due to Mercury entering Retrograde.

That's right, these little anomalies, these behavioral miscues, these something-is-just-not-right moments could be the result of the yearly wobbling rotation of a tiny planet that's only 48 million miles away from Planet Earth.

Living in a house with three women I'm well aware of the subtle and sometimes ugly mood changes brought about by the position of the moon and the lunar gravitational shifts it can produce.

But I was quite astonished by the encyclopedic information that has been amassed regarding this celestial phenomena. Scholarly data from Palm Readers, Horoscope Authors and Tarot Card Interpreters have all weighed in on Mercury in Retrograde.

Years ago, I seriously considered getting a Medical Alerts bracelet. Something to the effect of: Please pardon the wearer of this bracelet he has Tourette's Syndrome. Then, in the likely event of a blow up at work wherein I might let loose a flurry of some not-so-well-chosen words:

"Why would we do that, you witless clod of client douchebaggery?"

I could always blame it on the Tourette's.
I'd simply point out the bracelet and all would be forgiven.

In retrospect that seems so childish.

Now that I've got this Mercury in Retrograde in my back pocket, I'm good to go.

"Sorry about that temperamental outburst. And I probably shouldn't have questioned your "imbecilic" career choice, Mr. Chief Marketing Officer. But if you'd step up to this telescope I'd like to show you what's going 48 Million miles away."

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