The Holy-Anointed, Miracle Spring Water is Here!

And not a moment too soon.

A week or so ago, if some of you might recall, I began a correspondence with the Rev. Peter Poppoff Ministry, a late night TV charlatan promising to unlock the limitless wealth of Jesus. Providing, of course, that you line the pockets of his church with what little wealth you might have.

I posed as the former resident of my house and now I have begun receiving an avalanche of Rev. Popoff's direct mail solicitations.

I know this avalanche is going to keep coming, because years ago I did the same thing with The Lady of Fatima Society, who believe the Virgin Mary makes a yearly pilgrimage to Flushing, NY, of all places.

I lived in Flushing and can't for the life of me think why the Mother of God, blessed be she, would choose to reveal her divinity right off Parsons Blvd near the JIB Bowling Lanes. Especially when there are so many nicer hamlets like Great Neck or Dix Hills, just a few more exits down the Long Island Expressway.

Truth is, I've always been fascinated by these religious apparitions and actually tried to work it into a Taco Bell campaign many years ago.

It was a series of spots about a small village in Northern Mexico who believed they saw the vision of a Giant Chalupa emblazoned onto a large tree trunk that had been split by lightening. The vision kicked off the annual 90 day Festival of the Holy Chalupa, when, at participating Taco Bells, all Chalupas were just 99 cents.

As you might expect, the religious parody was not well received in zealous Irvine, Ca and the idea was shit canned before the second story board was even presented.

I seem to have digressed. Back to Peter Popoff and the elixir of wealth.

The miracle water showed up in mailbox. Stuffed between a bill from the Gas Company and a flyer for a local mattress store offering a 25% discount on all memory foam beds. Those of you familiar with this blog know I place no credence in the supernatural, the spiritual or the metaphysical. None.

But here's the thing.

Last Saturday, my dog stopped eating. She wouldn't eat on Sunday either. In fact, she wouldn't go near food for an entire week. Plus, she was incredibly lethargic. So we were off to the City of Angels Animal Hospital, where they relieved me of a week's salary but offered no relief to my dog. Her 105 fever went down and then it shot back up again. It did not look good and I was absolutely sure my dog was going to die.

Then we took her to our local vet who administered a different anti-inflammatory. To my surprise, but probably not to the surprise of Rev. Poppoff, my dog is eating again. And her temperature is stable. And a smile has returned to my face.

Do I believe a miracle has occurred?

Hardly.

But if the Taco Bell people call -- and reportedly the account is going into review -- and want to revive our Chalupa campaign, I'll be the first in line for a few more gallons of Rev. Popoff's Holy Anointed Spring Water.