Thursday, May 31, 2018


("Sir, the Japanese already surrendered.")

It's Thursday Thrashing.

Letter #17.

This one goes out to the very honorable Senator Orrin Hatch, who once said Precedent Shitgibbon may be the greatest president in the history of the United States. You know once you get past the Russian election interference, the obstruction of justice, the budget busting, the swampy corruption, the attacks on the free press, the emoluments violations, the misogyny, the racism, the shady finances and the porn star banging.



Senator Orrin Hatch
104 Hart Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Orrin,

First let me say that in deference to your somewhat advanced age (84) I have decided to write this letter using extremely large type. I didn't do that for any of the Republican US Senators I have been writing letters to and as letter #17, I hope you will appreciate the gesture.

Similarly, I'm not here to berate you. As I might have done with some of your colleagues. Maybe. Just a little.

In fact, while researching your biography I found, much to my disappointment, that you plan to retire in January of 2019. It's my sincere hope that I can get you to rethink that decision. 

Our country finds itself facing many, many dilemmas: corruption, campaign finance abuse, foreign intervention into our elections, and a blinding lack of moral clarity. Now, more than ever, we need energetic, fresh-thinking, 84 year old problem-solvers like yourself.

Stay Senator, stay.

Remember last week (perhaps one of your aides could jog your memory) when the FBI and the Department of Justice turned over classified information to congressional leaders and proved there were no spies implanted in the Trump campaign? Who could forget your fiery speech and impassioned defense of the Rule of Law? 

Stay Senator, stay.

Remember when our own president had a hissy fit on live TV when he found out that law enforcement agents, with warrants in hand, raided the offices of Michael Cohen, and called our brave men and women in blue, "storm troopers" and described the incident as "an attack on our country." And again, you could not wheel yourself to a microphone fast enough to stand beside the people sworn to our safety and security. It was inspiring.

Stay Senator, stay.

And of course there was Charlottesville. That's in Virginia, one of the original 13 colonies. A young woman lost her life there. She was mowed down by an alt. right, Neo Nazi, one of the "very fine people" who was there to exercise his 1st Amendment right. But you, Mr. Hatch, would have none of that. History will long remember your principled filibuster in the halls of Congress, wherein you demanded our President retract and apologize for such a disgraceful characterization of this hideous murder. Your courageous stand will be written about in textbooks, discussed in classrooms and held up as shining example of steely leadership and American exceptionalism.

Stay Senator, stay.

I took the trouble to further research the menu at the Senate Commissary and was shocked to discover they don't have any offerings designed for 84 year olds. Many items require cutting and chewing. A man with your distinguished service should have the option of softer, less arduous foods. It would be my honor to send you a Magic Bullitt Blender that can "blend, liquefy, mix, grate and grind." 

In short, if you'll continue to provide this nation with the responsible stewardship that has become the signature of the Republican Party, I'll happily provide the means to puree your next plate of liver and onions.

Stay Senator, stay.

Best regards,

Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA 90232

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