Monday, April 23, 2018

Tales from the Hood


With apologies to my hometown, NYC -- there are 20 million stories in naked Southern California.

This is just one of them.

This happened last week, during ManCation 2018.

My wife and two of her sisters had galloped off to Prague, and Amsterdam, to visit my daughter who has been studying abroad. And while they were taking in museums, art and European medieval culture, I made it my duty to eat red meat every night. Take my own self-guided tour of our nation's finest bourbon distilleries. And indulge in more NBA playoff games than Charles, Kenny or Shaq, combined.

(I now have 24 hours to clean up the place before she returns, which will demand a trip to the local market for Clorox, Formula 409 and a new cashmere sweater, don't ask.)

In any case, I woke up and sallied forth outside to pick up my NY Times, eager to read the latest accounts of our presidential nightmare. That's when one of Culver City's finest, with hand on holster, snapped me out of my stupor and yelled...

"Get back in the house. NOW!!!"

At that point I heard the distinctive whirl of a helicopter. Actually, two. One from LAPD and one from a local news station.

Holy Shit, I thought, was this about a home invasion robbery? Did they locate the guys that escaped Alcatraz (I know that was years ago, just go with it)? Was there a mass murderer terrorizing frumpy little Culver City?

Turns out, none of the above.

An hour later, when the smoke had cleared and the Glock 9's had been holstered, I spoke with a uniformed cop on the corner.

"So this guy steals this meat truck from somewhere in Rampart division. We chase him all the way up to the Valley and down the 405. He enters Culver City. We hand off the chase to your guys. He hightails the truck (with 400 lbs. of brisket, flank steak and Ribeye, mmmmm, ribeye) down Mentone ave. Loses control of the truck, smashes into the White SUV and pile drives it into the house on the corner. Then he hops out of the truck and scoots across to the street into your neighbor's back yard. But apparently he hadn't been doing enough cardio cause our guys nabbed him, about two houses down from yours."

Thankfully, no one in the house, including the two small children, were hurt.

The neighborhood is back to its normal sleepy self. Though here at the Siegel household there will be soon a flurry of cleaning activity.

Anyone know how to get BBQ sauce out of a microfiber couch?




5 comments:

george tannenbaum said...

We've got stolen rib eyes coming out our wazoos in the city.

Bob said...

Too bad there wasn't any carnage. You could have asked the crime scene cleaners how to get those stains out. They have the BEST solvents and shite.

Liesl Diesel said...

This will no doubt end up in a Farmer's Insurance commercial.

Ken Burke said...

Folex. Take it from a dad with two sons and a white sofa.

mbdeane said...

Shaving cream works wonders removing blood stains from white karate gis. Pretty sure it will work on BBQ sauce.