Thursday, April 5, 2018

Cruzn' for a Bruisin'

We're up to week 11, or 12, in our Thursday Thrashing letters to United States Republican Senators.

It goes without saying that I enjoy drubbing some senators more than others. Consequently it also goes with out saying that I relished throwing punches at this relentlessly moronic, Bible-thumping Ass-Banana.

Step in the ring, Ted.


Senator Ted Cruz
Russell Senate Office Bldg404
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

Yesterday it was reported that your Democratic opponent in this year's Senate race, Beto O'Rourke (I love saying that name, it's got so much more pizzazz than, oh I don't know, Ted) raised a whopping $6.7 million in campaign funds.

That's a lot of cash. With money like that you could buy a $31,000 dinette set. Or a $141,000 door. Or even charter military jets to whisk you around the world. 

But Beto, has different plans. He's going to use that money to unseat your sorry, soggy ass. If only that would have happened earlier, I wouldn't be on this current kick to hand write letters to all 52 of the incompetent, and often traitorous, Republican US Senators. 

I'd only have to write to 51.

But that's OK, I can wait until November 6, 2018, a day that promises to restore America to its former greatness -- pre-November 9, 2016.

It's at this point in the letter I usually turn my attention to insulting my Republican recipient. But I'm afraid anything I offer in this arena will pale in comparison to the many thousands of insults hurled in your putrid direction. And I know there's no way I could top your former Senate colleague, Al Franken, who famously said, "I like Ted Cruz more than most people in the Senate Chamber. And...I hate Ted Cruz."

I can't do better than that. 
But here's what I can do. 

As of November 7th, 2018, it's a safe bet you will find yourself unemployed. Chances are you've socked away some money made from influence peddling or some insider trading into a bank in the Cayman Islands, though my understanding is Cyprus with its various ties to Russian oligarchs is the preferred choice of crooked Republicans.

Still, it's nice to wake up in the morning and have a purpose. Mine for instance is calling out the endless stream of horsecockery you and your party and your hugger mugger of a president foist upon this nation day after punishing day.

So I've taken the trouble of seeking out employment for one Mr. Theodore Cruz in the greater Houston area; I suggest you seriously consider that name change, it makes you seem a lot less douchey than Ted.

Here goes:

Nursing Home Magician, Sunrise of Cinco Ranch Nursing Home-- Currently seeking a part time magician to entertain our guests three nights a week. Prefer magician with excellent sleight of hand work.  Must be proficient at juggling. And have loud, clear speaking voice. No flammables, please.

Fruit Freshener, Hung Dong Supermarket-- Located right outside Stuebner Center, Hung Dong is a local favorite. This is a full time position that requires a keen eye, as you will be responsible for maintaining our fruits and vegetable display. Making sure they always look farm-fresh with water dew and proper color coordination. Perfect job for a recent retiree.

And then I found this on Craig's List. Not sure if it's in the Houston vicinity, but I do think you have the qualifications for this position.

Cat Holder Downer-- I'm new to town and need someone to help me for about half an hour while I give my rockin' awesome cat a haircut. I don't want to pay a groomer $75 and don't want to stress my fantastic feline out by taking him somewhere he's not comfortable. He is very docile and does not mind this procedure; it's just a two man job that I'm short a reliable person to operate. All I need you to do is 1) Be cool 2) Dig cats 3) Hold my cat for half an hour. He 1) Rawks 2) Will not bite, scratch, urinate, defecate and/or molest, harry and/or pillage your forearm region. He will 1) lick 2) head butt and/or 3) give aforementioned area loving attention. 

This needs to be done at my apartment and I will pay compensate you with beer, good music, stimulating conversation & $10 (It's not much, but you're doing this because it will make a great story). I will not monetarily compensate any colleagues you bring; however, said cohorts may help themselves to one of the following options 1) one alcoholic beverage & one snack 2) two non-alcoholic beverages & one snack 3) unlimited ice cold water & two snacks. Also, you may choose to watch television and/or listen to my massive collection of vintage and contemporary vinyl collection while grooming is being performed.

The good news Senator, is that should you decide to accept any of these positions you will receive more respect and more admiration than you had at your previous position. Good luck out there.


Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA

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