Barrel scrapings

It's a short week here at RoundSeventeen Headquarters. With the Thanksgiving holiday approaching there's much to be done before that first cut into the roasted turkey is made down the bone that separates the two breasts from the sternum. 

Actually, I'm not sure of the proper nomenclature for poultry bones, however I do remember the proper way, not the Norman Rockwell method as seen in so many hack paintings, to disassemble a bird. I learned it while serving my short lived apprentice-ship as a Sous Chef at Charmer's Market, some 43 years ago. 

I'm thankful for that always useful bit of culinary knowledge that has served me well over the years.

I could launch into a sappy holiday monologue of all the things I'm also grateful for. But that would be off-brand for me. And for Roundseventeen. Instead I'll share with you some of the things I am most ungrateful for. 

And if you've been paying attention, you already know what what's coming...

Pam Bondi -- Bleach Blond Bondi, if you'll recollect, was selected for the cabinet only after the previous candidate, another of Florida's best and brightest, Matt Gaetz was forced to withdraw his nomination Attorney General. For pedophilia, of all things. What a coincidence, because our Dear Pammy is on the hot seat for trying to flush a truckload of Epstein Files down the golden Trump toilet. I don't know what it takes to pass the bar exam in Florida, but I suspect it's easier than those open book driver's license renewal tests given at The Villages Retirement Home north of Orlando.

Tulsi Gabbard -- Natasha Skunkhair has been sidelined by the Trump administration. And perhaps fittingly exiled off to the Siberian end of the cabinet table. She made the mistake of divulging some findings based on the results of gathered intelligence which contradicted the non-stop verbal diarrhea that spews from the President's mouth. Put another way, the current Director of National Intelligence has no active role in an administration that goes out of its way to be intelligence-free.

Pete Hegseth -- Our Secretary of War. We used to have a Secretary of Defense, but that title was deemed too passive. Only pussies play defense.  We're not pussies, and we have the massive budget-sucking weapons industries and track record of failed military adventurism to prove it, so says Pistol Pete. "USA, USA, USA!!!" 

Some lunkheads peak too early in life, often in high school where they throw their weight around and take command of a smelly locker room with wet towel snaps while roaring like underdeveloped apes. Pete beat those guys to the punch when at a tender age, he removed his own feces-filled diaper and stuck to it to his head like an Army helmet. GRRRRRR.

RFK Jr. -- What testosterone and Jack Daniels is to Pete Kegsbreath,  Heroin aka Smack, is to this addle-brained scion of the Kennedy Clan. I once noticed a dead flattened squirrel on the street in front of my house. It had begun to smell and attracting flies. Rather than wait for animal control to remove the carcass, I put on two pair of rubber gloves and grabbed a spade from my garage. The delicate removal took some considerable time. What I didn't do was put it in the trunk of my car, transport it to my fucked up neighbor's house and deposit it on his yard in retaliation for running his power tools at 3 in the morning. Bobby once came across a bear carcass and went the other direction. This unlistenable toxic schmuck is our Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Kash Patel -- There used to be a television show called The FBI. It aired on Sunday nights. While the rest of America was watching the Wonderful World of Disney, my hardboiled dad and my brother were glued to the adventures of Inspector Lewis played by Efram Zimbalist Jr. He and fellow thespians dutifully read and pretended to be agents of the FBI. There were only actors, role playing on a sound stage in Burbank, CA. But they knew more about the law, and enforcement of the law, than this crazy eyed taint-licking toadie.

You could say Trump did not hire the Best People as he so often claims. You could also say he scraped the bottom of the barrel. You'd be wrong. Trump flipped the aged barrel over, carefully curated the greenish-brownish mold on the bottom side of the mildewy floorboards, scooped it up and hand-molded it into figures that resemble sentient human beings and placed their unworthy asses in seats next to the once sacred levers of power of the United States of America.

Fuck Donald Trump. I would say, "and fuck anyone who voted for and still supports this UnAmerican Hellbeast."

But you might be sharing a turkey or seated across the table from him or her.

Good luck. Happy Thanksgiving America.

A fool for the pool

I did something last week that I had never done before. I swam. And I swam. And I continued to swim. When I had emerged from the pool at the Palm Springs Swim center, I had racked up 66 laps, or 132 twenty five meter lengths. 

I'll spare you a trip to the calculator, that's 3300 meters or 3390 yards. 

In layman's terms that 1.93 miles. 

Am I pissed I didn't do one more lap to cross over the two mile threshold? Damn right I am. My body said Yes, but my bladder said, "If you don't get me to a toilet now, there's a chance the 16 year old lifeguard here will ban you from the pool forever."

There's another reason why I'm pissed. As you can see from the picture, the PS Swim Center is one of the most beautiful municipal facilities in the country. It lies at the foot of San Jacinto, 10,834 feet above sea level. It can often reach three digit temperatures in the valley, where many men, and women, who should be wearing tops, choose not to. And there can be a more visually pleasing blanket of snow at the top. And here's why I'm mad...

For years, my family and I visited my Uncle Cranky Pants, and perhaps because he had a junior pool in his backyard, I never took time to drop in on the PS Swim Center.

Now that I'm in the tenants and toilets business and managing the property as a short term rental, I am out there often. And a regular patron of the pool, which is inordinately patronized by similar bald old men with white beards.

On this recent trip, sans Ms. Muse, where I tended to broken sprinkler heads, Ring cameras with dead batteries and an assortment of other T&T duties, I found myself with some free time. 

I usually commit myself to 1500 meters which runs me just over 31 minutes. But on this occasion, I decided to take advantage of the warm (81 degrees) water, the scarcity of other swimmers, and the dark rainy skies which did not necessitate any sunscreen. 

So I kept going. I gave in to the water. I reveled in the buoyancy. And let myself slip into the music, via my Shokz bone conducting headphones. As any athlete, professional or amateur wannabe, will tell you at some point you pass the point of pain. The dopamine kicks in and nothing else matters.

It was pure bliss.

Well, except for the part of having to piss.
 

And now for something different

Today's post was going to be another edition of my Thursday Photo Funnies, but I shelved that. Not because today isn't Thursday, even in my early stage senility I know that. But I went through my collection of odd photos and came up short.

Seems I've been walking, and snapping pics, less lately due to my nagging sore back which has resulted in mild sciatica. Hint: don't get sciatica.

As a result I've been swimming more. And swimming faster, thanks to some new swimming tips the algorithm has dished up: stretch the reach, rotate the shoulders, maintain a streamline position, glide more and use fewer strokes.

I won't bore you with that.

But in the interest of doing a visually oriented post today I give you: Kelly Eldridge Boesch. A musician, songwriter, and AI artist who manages to create some amazing short music videos that are, in my mind, watch and listen worthy.

The screen grab above reminded me of my friend and former boss John Doyle and his groundbreaking work the original EV. The screen grabs that follow are a mix of steampunk, Dali surrealism and a rare nod to folks in their 60's and 70's who don't look or behave like past generations of 60 and 70 year olds.

You may not like these, I know the AI attribution offends many. I'm not in that camp and have been playing with AI for my own adventures in political satire.

I hope you'll enjoy these:

But wait it gets better. 

Because if you visit her page on Facebook, you'll see each of these are taken from music videos she has assembled. You can see and hear them here: https://www.facebook.com/kelly.boesch/owner_reels

Enjoy.

Tech Dreck

I may be the last blogger/essayist/ bullshitter of all things inconsequential on earth to address, but address it I will: There's too much fucking technology in our life.

Way too much.

I'll also admit to being part of the problem, but not the solution. Let me explain this by example. 

As a self-admitted gadget hound, I was one of the first to jump on board the Nest products of home robotics. I purchased several Nest cameras to place inside and outside my home. As a father interested in protecting my family, I believe this was a responsible investment.

Also, I had hoped to snare my malicious neighbor -- he of the loser variety I mentioned yesterday -- vandalizing my property. That never happened but I did catch this little gem of him and his now dead dog, just weeks ago. You have to stick around past 15 seconds.

I never tire of watching this absurd loser in all his white trash glory. Thank you Technology for that. But for little else. You have no idea how hard it was to insert this video clip into this blog posting. I'm not even sure it will appear.

But I digress. 

Weeks ago, I was notified by Nest, now a Google company, that my very expensive Nest Thermostats, which I also purchased a long time ago, will no longer be reachable via the interwebs. I could however purchase the latest generation at a discounted price. It's a heaping helping of planned obsolescence with a dab of honey on top.

If I wasn't making money on my Google stock, I'd be clicking and clacking off a vitriolic letter to the Google Grand Puba.

I could regale you with the story of me installing the new 4th generation replacement unit. How I failed to throw the right circuit breaker. How two wires accidentally touched. How the low voltage spark made the one hair on my head stand at attention. And how I had to shell out $85 bucks to have my handyman, Super Dave from G'Town, come out and replace a fuse on the furnace. But I'll spare you all that.

Suffice to repeat my original premise, "there's too much technology."

To make that point abundantly clear, I give you Steven Colbert, a national treasure who will soon be canceled by our Fuckwadian Fourth Reich -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9EcuS6GVY

Skip to the 1:30 mark. And, you'll thank me for this later, stay until the bit ends at 3:00. 

Dear gods of AI, make it stop.

Some peace and quiet

Regular readers of this blog know I have had issues with my neighbor's and their Belgian Malinois (Latin for bad noise) for the past ohhhh, 12-13 years.

My first encounter with these amateur pet owners did not go so well. When I politely approached the 70+ year old matron of the household, she brushed off the constant barking and told me, not in so many words, but in these exact words, "Just fuck off!"

That was followed by the slamming of the door, which because the house is in such disrepair, almost made it come off the hinges. Which would have been such a perfect nose-on metaphor.

That was in 2013. 

You could say since emerging from its puppy state, the dog had never stopped barking. Seriously. Ask any of the adjoining neighbors and they will tell you the same thing. I know because I took the time to knock on doors and suss out the situation.

The unhingedness doesn't stop there. The woman's son who is only a few years younger than me, let's call him Norman in order to conjur up images from a certain Hitchcock movie, is also a few bobs off plumb. In addition to running his power tools during Vampire's hours, he had been taking the dog to Obedience Classes. 

Not just your normal "Sit Spot, Sit" classes. No, these were classes conducted in German. And I would often hear him shouting at the dog in the native tongue of our Hebraic 20th century oppressors. 

"Nein."

"Achtung."

"Bell lauter, um Rich aufzuwecken."

The Obedience School, possibly named Adolf's K-9 Kamp, might have boasted a Teutonic 99% success rate. This dog, the one living less than 75 feet from my bedroom window, must have been the 1% exception. She simply did not listen. And noisily ignored her owners no matter how loud they yelled from the comfort of their barcaloungers and would not be drawn away from their Fox News round-the-clock broadcasts.

I can't begin to tell you how many phone calls I made to the local police and letters I've written to the Culver City Animal Control. At one point I thought about suing the neighbors through small claims court but backed away because I'd have to disclose the conflagration and thus reduce the value of my house for future resale.

I also spent a boatload of money on anti-barking devices and tried my Macguyver hand at building some home made devices with Piezo tweeters.

Nothing worked.

Until now.

One of the neighbors stopped by my house the other morning. She said the dog had died. I could tell from her face that she expected me to act sad. So I did. I know with all my heart this dog was not at fault. And had been dealt a crappy hand to be with such negligent people. And I am a serious dog lover. 

But I am happy. Nay, thrilled. And not going to apologize for it.

I've heard that dog bark for the VERY LAST TIME. Wouldn't you know I just ordered two airhorns from Amazon. 

 

Everything he touches dies.

If anyone has genuine TDS, that is Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess I shamefully qualify.

In 2020 when our stable genius was tip toeing around the Korean Peninsula and indulging in his late stage bromance with Kim Jong Un, I purchased two ceremonial coins from the White House Gift Shop. Did I think we had actually achieved peace with a nuclear superpower who had and still has the wherewithal to wipe out the West Coast of America? No, I did not.

I bought it as a novelty, hoping to one day hand it down to my two daughters as a family heirloom and no doubt sparking the familiar refrain, "Dad was crazy."

Guilty and guilty. But I do still have the coins in my desk drawer and I got a blog piece out of the ridiculous purchase.

In the same way -- and possibly due to my admitted TDS -- I purchased one share of DJT Media, the holding company as it were behind Truth Social and other tools of the Fourth Reich. When my new financial advisor at Raymond James saw this amongst my holdings he was rightfully shocked. 

Before I signed on with him we had very long talks and my disinclination towards Captain Ouchie Foot was made abundantly clear. 

"So why," he said, "did you buy one share of his vanity stock?"

Like the purchase of the coins, I didn't really have an answer. It could be a TDS-variant of Stockholm Syndrome. Who knows?

I do know that as a shareholder I had plans of requesting a printed stock certificate, alas that was not going to happen. Aaron, my new finance guy, said companies don't do that anymore. 

But, it turns out, I can "purchase" a stock certificate of Trump Media and Technology, as if he knows anything about technology. Let's not forget this doofus was gobsmacked at the way his son Barron was able to turn the computer On and Off in less than 5 minutes.

Not only is the stock certificate available, it's also framed. And signed with the same distinctive John Sanscock that can also double as a woman's bush, as seen on the hand drawn personal birthday card to his best friend Jeffrey Epstein.

I kid you not.

Lastly, if it's any indication of how stupid one must be to invest in the financial acumen of a man who bankrupted 7 companies, and is currently bankrupting America with his fakakta tarriff based economy, the cost of the framed certificate sporting a silhouette of our esteemed shit dropping president, is 5 times the price of his worthless stock.

JFC!

Keep your eye on the ball.

I haven't lifted a golf club in a very long while. A blessing for any other golfer who may have ever been on the course with me. Not that I couldn't hit a ball, I could. I just had a difficult time making the ball go where I wanted it to go.

A shot off the second tee box would often land in the fairway. Of the 10th hole. Or the parking lot. Or in the yard of people who couldn't spring for a vacation home on the course but settled for one across the street.

In other words, I sucked at the game. And never got better. Ever. And so I learned my lesson and let my clubs gather dust in the garage.

But you know who does love golf, despite his disjointed Charles Barkley swing and his ample use of the leg iron to make up for his shitty game? Our President. Donald Von Shitzenpants.

This past weekend, which is no different than any other weekend, entailed a trip to Mara Hoggo. This, while millions sat on tarmacs due to the government shutdown, thousands of people were threatened with hunger and the loss of healthcare, and wars --supposedly solved wars -- raged on in Ukraine and Gaza.

Those that defend the indefensible will tell you every president deserves some down time. Which begs the question when does he have up time? And actually work.

They will often further note that Trump, unlike any other president has made huge sacrifices and doesn't even accept a presidential salary. A measly sum of $400K. Just for reference, guys like Mark Zuckerberg or Jeff Bezos, make $400,000 in the short interval of a sneeze, between the Ach and the Choo.

For even more clarity consider the fact that every time our 215 lbs. lump of Trump heads down to Florida, he has to take roughly 300 active Secret Service Agents with him. 

Where do you think they stay?

Many stay at Trump's fleabag hotel. And do you gullibly think they get the Friends & Family Rate (as if that existed)? No they do not. Have you been on a trip lately? A night at hotel room in NYC can easily top $1000. So imagine half of that 300 count roster stayed where Melania won't.

That's 150 SS agents X $1000 = $150,000.00

If they stay Friday Saturday and Sunday nights that $450,000.00 that goes into Trump's pocket. And that's just room. What about board?

They have to eat and you can safely assume they're eating the same ketchup slathered gruel that Captain Ouchie Foot is eating. But unlike him, they're paying the host of all this Griftopolluza. And when I say "they're paying" I'm saying you and I are paying.

This is just one weekend. At last count there were 52 in a year. So I've barely scratched the surface and haven't even mentioned the minibar booze, the South Florida hookers and the in-room Toblerone Bars.

It doesn't take a Physics Professor at MIT to do the math and see the $400,000 deferred payment is nothing more than a sound bite of propaganda. A smokescreen for the millions and billions he, and other oligarchs in his circle, are draining from our Treasury.

If I may paraphrase Winston Churchill, "It's a scam, wrapped in a bamboozle, inside a film flam." 

And 77 million idiots still don't see it.

God's Servant on Earth

A man collapses in the Oval Office during a Victory Lap Press Conference. 

Aides rush to his side. 

RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health and Human Services --clearly he knows about neither --makes a beeline towards the exit. 

And our President, the man who sells T-shirts claiming "Fight, Fight, Fight", the man anointed by Jesus himself as our modern day savior, stands at the podium like a deer who was already caught in the headlights and has now been hacked to pieces for some hillbilly roadkill stew.

It is a portrait in craven political power and psychotic narcissism. It is an obscene redeaux of this previous "let them eat cake" moment...

Have you already forgotten the disgusting exhibition of the 21st Century Christian American Hero? Apparently when Jesus said, "Give comfort to the weak" he also said, " and make sure you deliver untoeth them, Bounty Paper Towels, the Quickerhurricanepickerupper™."

Allow me to remind you it was only a month ago, that this brainless, worthless billionaire rapist/convicted felon posted an AI video of himself piloting a fighter jet and dumping tons of fecal matter on the heads of patriotic Americans peacefully exercising their first amendment rights.

Time and time again, he has demonstrated his contempt for people. Not just Democrats. or Independents. Or even Republicans. But all people, especially the ones who don't sport the Trump surname.

"My kids can have two dolls, yours can get by with just one."

We know who he is.

The better question is, who are the people who don't know who he is? How do they abide with his disgusting, immoral and monumentally UnChristlike behavior? These are the same people who are currently pulling their hair out over the last week's Blue Wave. And going apeshit about New Yorkers electing a Muslim mayor, as if he is going to ignore our Constitution and institute law according to his will and inclination. Sound familiar?

I don't know, if I were an Islamic terrorist seeking to infiltrate and destroy Judeo-Christian norms and  establish Sharia, I wouldn't choose New York City as my base of operations.

SFX: 8,000,000 Gothamites in unison, "Getthefuggouttahere!"

Also, where was the outrage when Trump's son in law got $2 billion in Saudi funding? Or Trump accepted a $400 million jet from a nation that sponsored state terrorism? Or when the Fuhrer agreed to build an Air Force base for Qatar on US soil.

We see the hypocrisy on an unprecedented cosmic level. They don't.

If last Tuesday, and the Blue Wave™ that made a hopeful appearance, is any indication, maybe some of them will open their eyes. Or at least their Bibles.

 

Bear with me

Every grade schooler knows that bears hibernate for the winter. Like squirrels, they spend their autumnal days stuffing their faces like Trump Director of Communications Steven Cheung let loose at an All You Can Eat Chinese Restaurant. 

And come winter time they hole up in a cave comforted by collected twigs, moss and fallen leaves.

Many years have passed since we were told of their unusual sleeping habits. But what exactly is hibernation? I have come to learn that bears don't actually sleep, they go into a state of torpor, which is something akin to an induced coma. Body temp and heartbeat are lowered significantly so the bear, bears, do not suffer through the brutal conditions of winter.

Despite nosing around the internet I could not find the answer to my most pressing question concerning hibernation. I know bears shit in the woods, duh, but do they poop and pee during their hibernation. And wouldn't that wet the bed, as it were? 

I'm going to leave that here, dear reader. And should you be inclined, you can join me down this little rabbit hole and find out for yourself. Because that is the point of this post -- curiosity.

I'm in the middle of reading a very interesting book that I spotted at a very crunchy bookstore in San Francisco titled Wisdom Takes Work. Granted this is the type of dime store wisdom made accessible to the Tik Tok generation, but it is fascinating nonetheless.

Apparently curiosity, whether it be from a 7 year old or 67 year old, is one of the pillars of personal wisdom. And I'm told, the key to longevity.

Asking leads to answers, answers lead to more questions. From not knowing, we get to knowing, and eventually to the truth. We must ask questions when we are young , and we must remain humble  enough to ask them when we are old, powerful and well informed. Marcus Aurelius noted the way his predecessor as emperor and mentor over twenty years, asked, searching questions at meetings. And was almost never content with first impressions." 

Interestingly enough, the chapter about nurturing one's curiosity is followed by another on something called commonplaces. This was, and is, the practice of keeping notes, of storing thoughts, of committing pieces of knowledge to paper or papyrus. All done for the unknown purpose that lies ahead. 

Not that my desktop calendar, made ugly by coffee cup stains and scribbles that are often illegible, can hold a candle to the greats who have adopted this behavior, but it is part of my daily routine. And often serves to ameliorate my synapse-challenged memory.

Here, as a reward for reading to the end, is the answer provided by AI. You can thank me later.

Bet you didn't have fecal plug on your Bingo card of things you'd learn today.

 

Take two and call me in the morning

You know you're getting old when you get excited the doctor upped your dosage of Gabapentin, a nerve relaxant for those under the spell of sciatica. You're also getting old when you can't remember the name of your new favorite medicine and just refer to it as Gabagool, an ode to Tony Soprano.

Years ago there was a stand up comedian, now billionaire, Jeff Foxworthy, who made a mint on the simple premise of, "You might be a redneck if __________." That was followed by a panoply of disparaging remarks about inbreeding, beers and guns, and the kind of soft racism that passes for acceptable in America. In other words the GOP platform. 

SFX: Rim Shot.

I suppose I could take to the road and workshop a whole routine based on, "You might be an old man (or woman,) if _________"

Fact is, I'm 67 years of age and that's officially old. 

The cognitive dissonance here is I don't feel old. And I have the Strava history of physical activities to prove it. Last week for instance, on an unusually warm and uncrowded day at the Culver City Plunge, I knocked out a mile in less than 31 minutes for an average pace of 1:53 per 100 yards.

Nevertheless I have the geriatric accoutrements that confirm my old man status. Knee braces. Heating pads. A freezer fill of Ice packs. And of course a growing collection of pills. As well as a growing concern that I may need one of those old lady pillboxes to assort my multitude of round white pills, oval sized pills and gel caps. It can be confusing.

"Did I take the Gabagool?"

"How many Baxoflen am I allowed"

"What about my..."

You didn't think I was going to go through my whole list of meds, did you? The point is, it's not easy keeping track of all this. Especially when I have to split each of medications into two and keep one vial downstairs and one upstairs. That tends to double the confusion factor. 

I never claimed to be a smart man.

I am however an impatient one. Despite living in Southern California for more than 40 years and working on my chill and zen attitude. Which is always put to the test on my increased visits to the pharmacy. 

Come on people, just walk up to the counter, spout your date of birth and your name, get your pills, potions and industrial strength suppositories and go. This isn't the place to ask questions. The nice lady at the counter may be wearing a white lab coat but she's just a glorified cashier. Chances are I have a better understanding of pharmaceuticals than she does. Read the damn pamphlet they stuff in the bag. Oh no...no...she's asking for a consult!!! 

"Pharmacist to the counter."

Here we go. I'm gonna be here forever.

I need an Atavan.

DDB RIP

This blog post started with me searching for the original Doyle Dane Bernbach logo. I had hoped to find a big bold sculpture of three gold letters emblazoned across an outrageously expensive mahogany door. Like a scene out of Mad Men, but to no avail.

Then I turned to Gemini to conduct my search. Truth be told I  find myself on Gemini quite a bit these days as it helps me craft images and answers questions that go beyond a one word search. Like the early days of the internet, AI search takes me down several rabbit holes and gives voice to my offbeat imagination.

Here for instance is an image of Bill Bernbach as a Hasidic rabbi riding on a unicycle with a toucan on his shoulder.

OK, this post has officially gone off the rails. 

Ostensibly, I wanted to write about the rumored passing of the DDB, the ad agency that gave birth and rise to the creative revolution of the 1960's. This is when admen and adwomen stopped pandering to people and began respecting their intelligence and their ability to make informed buying decisions. All with a healthy sense of humor on the side. This has been replaced with BOGO banners and bogus "brand journeys."

I never got to work at DDB. Though I did start at Needham Harper & Steers, which merged with DDB two years after I left. Maybe the merger talks were stalled until I left the building. 

Sadly, I'll never know the joy of having that esteemed name on my resume. 

Believe it or not, probably not if you're under 40 years of age and working in the biz, but there was a time when the name of a 5 star agency topped off your resume, you could write your own ticket. Headhunters came hunting for you. And aggressive creative directors would find ways to meet you for clandestine lunches and huge contracts just waiting for your John Hancock.

It was nice to be wanted. Much better than ghosted.

Soon, no doubt, the Chiat/Day name and even the BBDO name will all disappear, swallowed up by the omnivorous Omnicom name. And shortly after that, the two remaining holding companies will be completely sanitized to simply Holding Company #1 and Holding Company #2. 

I'm hesitant to say anything more or even slightly disparaging about the fall of our industry. Mostly because both my daughters are loyal, productive and successful employees of said Holding Companies and their affiliated vendors. Plus, being my progeny I think it's safe to say they've suffered enough. And they'll tell you that.

But I will leave you with this more contemporary image of Mr. Bernbach...

Why did  I conjure this up? I have no idea. As Ms. Muse is wont to tell me, "Siegel, your brain works in strange ways."

That used to be worth something.

Stacks on stacks

 

At this writing the government, our government is shut down. Not the first time, in Trump's first clusterfuck administration there was also a shutdown. That one lasted a little over a month. This one is different though because the Democrats are fighting to preserve healthcare subsidies for millions of people currently covered under the ObamaCare program.

We haven't seen the TrumpCare Health Plan™ that was promised in 2020, but it's my understanding it will be revealed in TWO WEEKS.

At the heart of the matter is funding and money. 

Naturally. Seems no one in DC can find the money to sustain the barebones healthcare offered by the government. I'm no accountant, though I came from a long line of accountants, but I have to wonder if anyone has checked the Tariff Shelf.

Oh yeah, that exists. I remember seeing a video, with tears in my eyes, of President Wallketchup explaining to reporters that there were billions of dollars on the aforementioned shelf, just waiting to be utilized. 

Here, see for yourself: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2101493130622017

I understand the government can get spread thin, in terms of money, especially given the truckloads we give to manufacturers of tanks, armored vehicles and the other accoutrements of ground wars that will never be used. I can turn a light on in the upstairs bedroom using my iPhone. I have to believe our military genii can turns the internet, electricity and all manner of power off in every country across the globe.

Here's a thought: why not sell the huge jet the Qataris gifted to President Noncognitive and use the proceeds to benefit the citizens of America? $400 million dollars buys a lot of aspirin, x-rays and maternity care for people who can't afford it because they're still toiling for a minimum wage that hasn't changed since the 20th century.

Here's another thought: instead of tackifying the White House and erecting a ballroom on the former East Wing-- which nobody wanted or needed -- why not funnel the generous contributions from America's oligarchs into something more utilitarian for the people? Ask yourself this, how many everyday Americans will ever step foot in the new Marie Antoinette Wing of the White House, other than a momentary glimpse during a cheesy one hour tour?

"Mam, please remain behind the velvet rope, this area is for 1%ers only."

Then also ask yourself why isn't that money going to teachers, police, firefighters and former freelance copywriters now sustaining themselves on taxed Social Security checks? Didn't he promise to eliminate those taxes? Or are those monies needed to fund the maintenance and cleaning crew at Chez Mara Lago North?

Again, why are we not tapping into the Tariff Shelf? The money is there, right beside the dusty TrumpCare™ Plan.

Finally, I have to assume that an incredibly large amount of money was allocated for the purchase of Greenland, an incredibly large piece of land, as well as Panama and maybe even Azerbaijan. Since President Tigerelephantgiraffe is no longer having fever dreams about those Monopoly properties, why can't we repurpose those funds?

Being president is really not all that complicated. Any idiot could do this job.

Just not the one we have.

The San Francisco treat

Was in San Francisco last weekend for a wedding. And on the departure home I spotted this (photo above) at the SF airport. This was but one of the many mini-museum spread throughout the recently remodeled concourse. 

Had I known I was going to pen a blog piece about SFO, a place I always dreaded in the past, I would have been more diligent with my picture taking. Suffice to say or suffice it to say ( I still haven't come to a decision of how to correctly use the phrase) this airport, located far outside the city on the south, has leaped to the top of my Favorite Airport List.

Here we see Ms. Muse, mother of one of the lovely brides, standing amidst the clean, white swooping architecture reminiscent of a 1970's futuristic film. She's filling her water bottle at one of the filtered water stations also scattered throughout the incredibly spacious terminal. Who looks at a water station and thinks, "Holy shit that's cool."

But it is.

I'll be smiling too if the remodeling currently taking place at LAX ever looks like this. This was but one of the little improvements that make the airport experience that much less stressful. In retrospect I wish I had taken a shot of the bag drop. 

They've automated the entire process. You simply lay your luggage on a conveyor belt which quickly scans your items including your traveling accoutrement. It also weighs your bag hoping to cop another fee for the airlines. And then it ramps it up to converge with another conveyor belt that takes it to the back, which I doubt looks as inviting, spacious and hospital clean as the front.

This is another example of how automation is replacing humans in order to increase profits. But let's face it, in 9 out of 10 instances the folks at the bag drop counter are one notch above the disgruntled personnel at the DMV, who must have nightmares of themselves drowning in a choral sea of "Next."

Finally, and this may be the chiropractic straw that repaired the camel's back, the airport is QUIET. Church quiet. All announcements are made at the gate and where they are whispered on an audio system that doesn't sound like it was previously used at the Port Authority in NYC.

I never thought I'd find myself gushing about an airport. But in our current zeitgeist, when everything seems to be going in the wrong direction, it was refreshing to be in presence of something done right.

Speaking of which, here's a a shot of us in our Sunday Best at the wedding of two women who are equally refreshing in their celebration of love, wisdom and joy.

 

 

What do we have here?

I like to think of myself as an observant person. 

And when I say observant I'm not referring to being an observant Jew. Or anything like that. What few rituals I did know and practice have gone by the wayside. This year for instance, was the first in 5 or 6 decades that I did not abstain from eating on Yom Kippur. If called to defend myself for such a transgression, I would simply reply that, "Hey, I do intermittent fasting throughout the year. And I was hungry."

When I say observant, I mean I have a keen environmental awareness. OK, I like think it's keen.

Yesterday for instance I was walking the 3 tenths of a mile from my house to the Culver City Plunge Pool. Swimming, it turns out is the perfect exercise for my creaky knees and my looming sciatica. As I was passing the little strip mall on the corner of Overland and Braddock, I noticed a man exiting the local "massage" parlor. 

And when I say "massage" I mean that in the very catholic, with a small C, sense of the word. 

It's a Happy Ending joint and everyone in Culver City knows it. Since I rarely see anybody exiting the "Massage" parlor I decided to futz with my phone and watch the clearly-relaxed man skulk away. Which is exactly what he did. He walked quickly, with his head down and crossed Overland to the other side of the street, where he got back in his vehicle -- a large yellow school bus.

I suppose a happy contented school bus driver is better than the opposite.

Speaking of unhappy and discontented, there are the two losers who live in the house behind me. They're both in their mid 60's and until recently both were living with their mother. One is a lush and the other is a loudmouth, perhaps the loudest angriest man on Earth. Every other word out of his mouth is an F bomb.

As I was enjoying one of my late night jacuzzi retreats, I heard the two brothers fighting. Not that unusual. But the volume was unusually loud until it wasn't. The angry brother, upset with his sibling's over-imbibing, called the police. I was treated to the whole story, which was pretty inconsequential until...

"Hello Sergeant, I'd like to make a Citizen's Arrest on my brother." 

That made my night and I had to turn the jets up high to cover my laughter.

Our Unpresidential President

It's been a quiet two days in the national media. This comes as a surprise to me, though not a shock. The media seems to have given up on presidential accountability. And who can blame them after 10 years of his non-stop diarrhea-like flow of mendacity, vengefulness and utter insanity.

And just when we thought he had hit bottom, he magically finds a way to prove he's still got a lot of fuel left in the tank of disgrace and juvenile male toxicity.

If you hadn't guessed I'm talking about the AI video of himself, donning a King Donald crown and cosplaying a fighter jet pilot dumping fecal matter over the millions of Americans exercising their freedom of speech and right to assemble -- as guaranteed by the First Amendment in the US Constitution, before the ammosexual amendment (the 2nd), on No Kings Day.

If you don't recall, he recently made a big stink about political violence being the preferred weapon of the "leftists radical commies" and portrayed ANTIFA as a terror organization. While conveniently ignoring the fact that he commandeered this nation's worst act of political violence and insurrection on January 6, 2021. 

And also ignoring that Antifa is not an organization at all. Show me the www.antifa.com website and I'll eat my words.

Perhaps because of the scatological nature of this indiscretion, the mainstream media chose to hold their nose and look the other way. Yours truly, on the hand, blessed with maturity of a 14 year old 9th grader chose a different approach. 

So with the help of Google Gemini and Perplexity, I give you the entirety of...

 Great Moments of Presidents Tossing Shit on American Citizens

Here's a bonus shot from someone on our side who took a more direct shot...

In You Go

 

As my doctor has made clear to me, "You are exceedingly healthy and fit for a man of 67 years of age."

Which is true considering I've never spent a night in a hospital bed in my entire life. I did spend a night in a hospital chair while my oldest daughter, who can sometimes be stubborn like all Siegels, refused to exit the birth canal for well over 32 hours. 

Hey hospital administrators, what about cots?

But now it seems my fate is turning. For the last few months I've been plagued by a nagging, burning, stabbing, numbing radiating pain in my right leg. Sometimes it's near my ankle. Other times it's in my hamstring. And other times it can't decide where it wants to be and travels around like Chris Christie at a Golden Corral Dessert Bar.

Naturally, my first inclination was to contact Dr. Google. I did my research and came to the conclusion that I probably have sciatica. That diagnosis was confirmed by the Physician's Assistant I saw last Wednesday. Such is the state of our "World Class Healthcare System." She promptly set me up with MRI.

In addition to never spending a night in a hospital bed I've never had the pleasure of doing an MRI. And was actually looking forward to it. Perhaps I should have done more research. Or visited the YouTube Clinic on Diagnostic Experiences. 

I know I should've doubled up on the edibles.

Having gone camping for many years, with my family in tow, I don't have any issues with being enclosed in tight spaces. My daughters on the other hand always monitored my intake of legumes, especially beans before entering the tent.. Enough said. 

Nor do I have any issues with staying still or getting a good lie down. Colleagues will tell you I often napped under my desk on the carpeted floors of Chiat/Day, Team One, BBDO, Bozell, Y&R and many others.

As such I thought the experience would be unique. I'd slide into the tube, listen to music, and let the magnets do their thing. No one said anything to me about the heat, the loud clanging, the incessant buzzing and the discomfort of staying perfectly still lest I run the risk of having to start the whole fucking thing over again.

When the 11 minutes were up the table slid out of the human abattoir and a grinning technician hovered over me and said, "how was that?"

"That wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be."

Then he told me he had good news and bad news, which do you want first? 

"Give me the bad news." (I think all Jews do that)

"You were perfect, you didn't move at all. But we didn't get a good scan from this machine. It's OK, but I think we can do better in the smaller machine. Follow me."

With that he led me across the hall, applied oil to my body and inserted me into the narrower machine, which was also louder, hotter and noisier.

I emerged rattled and needing a stiff three finger shot of rye whiskey. I not only went in for my first MRI, I was treated to a second on the same day.

I got dressed. As I was walking out, I ran into the technician again and asked, "what was the good news?"

"I don't know, I forgot."

God Bless America

It's October 20, 2025 as you read this. But it's October 17, 2025 as I write this. One day before the next No Kings/No Fuhrers protest, which promises to be bigger, louder and more vociferous than the previous two. Pardon me for breaking out the 4 syllable words, but I like to keep the Red Hats who might read this on their toes. 

As you are reading this digital missive, I could very well be sitting in a cage. In El Salvador. Or Burundi. Or even Pico Rivera, as the government is low on funds right now and can't fly ne'erdowells like myself to faraway continents.

Maybe I'm being hyperbolic. Maybe our Constitution -- what's left of it -- will hold, and my vigorous exercise of the 1st Amendment will go unpunished. Who knows? I do know that for the first time in my life, I find myself checking in with the more mature parts of my brain and asking, "do I really want to say that?"

If only I had done that while I was a working copywriter.

But just as my Dad was a convicted felon for rocking the boat while in the US Army, I'm not given to restraint. 

To wit, Ms.Muse and I and Foothill friends will be on the rugged streets of Pasadena bearing signs of our boiling political discontent...

To be clear, I never mentioned any names here, 

I only offered to defray the cost. 

So spare me the sanctimony.

OK, here I did employ a telling graphic,

but please note the understatement.

This sign may be a little obscure, but not to

fans of Mel Brooks who are familiar with the 

Franz Liebkind character played by Kenneth Mars.

For your frame of reference, here's a video clip from the original 1967 movie that left an indelible impression on a young Jewish man who had just begun learning of the atrocities of World War II https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJce5gnCx_k

The irony here is that the seeds of fascism that were planted in Deutschland in the 1930's have begun sprouting here in the land of the free and not so brave. 

Where are the ammo-sexuals who so vehemently cling to the 2nd Amendment as a deterrence to tyranny and executive overreach? Why aren't they up in arms about a government that is rounding up citizens on the street, attacking the press and demanding fealty to a pedophile who also happens to be a convicted felon?

Oh yeah, they're enjoying their melanin-free privilege, sitting at a Cracker Barrel and stuffing Double Chicken Fried Steak down their gullets.

Dead Ad Society

As you might have guessed I have been cleaning out my garage again. In yesterday's post I stumbled across a collection of cartoons my friend Jim and I had authored in the early 80's. Today I unearthed some dead Jaguar ads from the early 2000 oughts. 

These were done early in my very short tenure at Young & Rubicam in Irvine, where I had the unique opportunity to work with legendary art director, John Doyle, who, if he isn't in the Advertising Hall of Fame, surely needs to be.

In case you had ever doubted Jaguar's lack of marketing acumen, they had given us no money for any new photo shoots and we had to work with the stock photos they already had in their possession. They had no limitations on copy however, so I wrote copy for all these ads (and many more) hoping they'd see the value in running a campaign that exalted engineering achievements from a car company that had long rested on their fashion laurels.

As my friend and fellow blogger George Tannenbaum often points out, you need to give people, even very affluent people, a reason to buy an automobile especially when they're shelling out 6 digits for the key fob.  The folks at Porsche, Mercedes and BMW understand this. 

The genii at Jaguar did not.

As noted previously, these are dead ads. 

I read recently there was some kind of contest, where nostalgic ad veterans got to air their dead ads in the hopes of winning another trophy or trinket. BTW, all my old ad awards went in the trash bin yesterday along with some shrunken moth-eaten sweaters, house remodeling photo's and some old 2X4's that never got fashioned into anything useful.

Maybe it's just me, but dead ads are boring. How they died makes for a better story.

We had assembled in a conference room at PAG, the Premier Auto Group, that owned Ford, Mazda and Jaguar/Land Rover. These ads, and many more were pinned up on 6 foot high foam core boards. Very old school. Not more than 10 minutes into the presentation, I unveiled the first board and started reading the copy for one of the spreads seen above.

HEADLINE: The Courageous Floor Mat

BODY COPY: It is possible you've never pondered the brave existence of the floor mat. Precious few have. The exceptions are those who drive the all-new Jaguar XJ, featuring an innovative Self-Leveling Air Suspension. Designed to reduce wind drag at high speeds, the suspension actually lowers the body of the car, like an animal crouching closer to the ground, for maximum performance. Which makes the confident quiet ease of the floor mat, as it hurtles through space, only inches from the asphalt, that much more impressive.

Before I could finish reading the last line, I heard a booming voice from the front row. It was the CMO.

"Next."

I mistakenly thought he wanted me to read the next ad in the campaign.

"No, next campaign."

And that's how these ads and hundreds more like it, died.

What a glamorous business.

HAIL AI

About a million and a half years ago, my friend Jim and I started scratching the itch that would somehow get us out of the mailroom at Needless Hardons & Tears. We both had dreams of becoming writers but had no idea how to go about doing it. 

Oddly enough, we both found employment at an ad agency, a business built on the crafting of ideas. I mentioned this was a million and a half years ago, didn't I?

Except NH&T didn't want any of our ideas. We thought the New Yorker magazine, one of the few still in business, would. So we started making cartoons. As I had no artistic leanings whatsoever, Jim was tasked with putting charcoal to paper. Though many of our joint efforts were juvenile and prurient, many reflected the politics and zeitgeist of the day. 

As I was rolling through the Rolodex of stale ideas in my head for the next R17 post, I thought it would be interesting to give Jim a well deserved rest and see what AI would do with our never-published cartoons.

Unlike others -- I won't mention names -- I find AI to be a fascinating tool. 

Perhaps that's because I cannot draw. Never have and never will. And my photoshopping skills are even worse than my handheld skills. In fact, I've never learned Photoshop. And what I have conjured up on the computer is via Apple's Preview, where there is no erasing tool. And layering images requires some ingenuity.

At this writing Jim is fishing out some of our old work. And I eagerly look forward to seeing how they can be reproduced with stolen pixels and anodyne styles that will still not produce a check from the fabled New Yorker magazine.

For the time being, there's this...

I may be a little biased and Jim may be a lot biased, but in my mind the 1983 original is far better than the 2025 version, which if you ask me lacks the humanity and the vocational suffering of two mailroom clerks trying to get by on $9,800 a year.

To be continued....