More joy, please

Upon the advice of my friend, former colleague and one-time boss Rob Feakins, I ordered the book pictured above. Rob has had his own travails, which I will not divulge, but he said the book was instrumental in shifting his perspective.

After 7 years of ex-Precedent Shitgibbon, 2 years of my wife's cancer, and now going on three months of military-grade grieving, I needed a shift in perspective. So I told the good underpaid people at Amazon to send me a copy.

This, in addition to the stack of grief books that continues to grow despite my daughter's admonitions.

"What's in the package?" says Abby.

"Probably another grief book," replies Rachel.

They were right. And wrong in a way.

Perhaps it's just my nature, but I like to know what I'm going through, what my body is experiencing and how to navigate this unchartered territory of losing a spouse, Particularly one who I loved with every molecule in my body.

Unfortunately, many of the grief books tend to compound the problem, not relieve it. So I took a little literary detour for a visit into Spriritualstan. 

Now if you've been a reader of this blog for any time , you know I'm the hardcore, science-believing rationalist. I don't have much need for sage burning, crystals, bible verses or any other hocus pocus that draws its strength from the Placebo Effect.

Nevertheless, I thought I'd give the book a shot. Especially since Joy has been in such short supply. Maybe it's still stuck on a cargo boat anchored off Long Beach.

And yet surprisingly, the book has been very enlightening. Not in a "where's my yoga mat and special praying conch kind of way." It's more about philosophy and the paths to enjoy more of of it. 

One of the more interesting passages came from Desmond Tutu, a clergyman, who explains the secular notion of Ubuntu.

Ubuntu is a concept that is well known through the African continent. It can best be summed up in the familiar, "It takes a village to raise a child." But it goes beyond that. As Tutu explains to the Dalai Lama...

In western countries, one might greet a friend or even a stranger with, "Hi, How are you?"

In Africa, we phrase it differently, as in, "Hi, how are we?"

It's a small difference, but it's one with distinction. It connotes a certain unselfishness and the recognition that  WE are all in this together. That would come in handy these days.

The Dalai Lama, listened intently as Tutu dove deeper and deeper on Ubuntu. Then, he went on to note the incredible similarity to the Buddhist concept of universal interconnectedness. 

Two men of two different faiths, from two different continents, from two different worlds, one magnificent understanding of humanity.

Can Ubuntu work here in the United States where it's about "rugged individualism" and "every man for himself"? Maybe we just need to recognize when we see it. When my next door neighbor, with whom I have exchanged several disagreements that have almost came to fisticuffs, heard of my wife's passing, he immediately sent over the biggest vase of beautiful flowers. 

A week later he showed up at my door, asked me how I was, and begged me to come inside so he could give me hug.

Next time I see him, I will go out of my way to say, "how are we?"