Hail Trumplandia

President Donald J. Trump, loser of the 2020 presidential election, proudly proclaimed that he has purchased Greenland. 

The leveraged buyout, with laundered money from Russia and Saudi Arabia, was facilitated by Deutsche Bank, who will retain a minority stake in the newly renamed country.

Mr. Trump, who will go by the moniker Supreme King Most Handsome Man in the World, announced the sale from the West Wing of the White House.

"I don't need these losers in America. I have my own country now. And guess what, it's bigger and badder than any of those puny United States. I'm looking at you Georgia."

Pressed for details about his new country, Mr. Trump reverted to a line that was often heard during his American presidency, "We're still hammering out the details. We'll see what happens."

But the ex-president was clearly enthused and was eager to taunt the man who had beaten him just several months ago.

"This place is fantastic. It's beautiful. Not the shithole you got Joe. All our cities Nuuk, Sisimut and Qaqortoq, that's a terrible name, we gotta change that Kellyanne, put that on my list, are on the coastline. I'm talking fabulous ocean views. Every which way you look. Hell, even the shitters have ocean views. Jared is already working on a plan to build fantastic luxury condos up and down the coast (looks at map) both coasts. From (looks at notes) Llulissat to Narsaq. Who comes up with these fakakta names?"

At one point during the press conference, former President Trump unveiled the new Trumplandia flag. 

Asked about the Stars and Stripes motif, "Our people looked into it and it turns out there's no trademark or copyright on the design, so we borrowed it. Incredible isn't it? 

"And no other country in the world has a face on it. Isn't that right Mick? Where's Mulvaney?" Ivanka whispers in Mr. Trump's ear, who appears surprised about Mulvaney's disappearance.

It was also clear that Trump, who lost the recent US election in a landslide, had a lot to learn about his new island nation. When shown a map, he was shocked to discover more than 90% of the land mass is covered in ice. Which might disrupt his plans to start building his many planned golf courses.

"We're gonna melt all that ice and see what's under there. It's like when you buy a new house and you go to tear up the carpet, hoping to find some beautiful old hardwood floors. We're gonna get rid of this useless ice and I gotta feeling, and Don Jr. and Eric agree, we're gonna find treasure under there."

The entire Trump clan was buoyed by the prospect of the move which will give their father an opportunity to rule without the pesky and oftentimes messy constitutional constraints facing democratic leaders.

When asked about Melania and Barron, Trump simply responded, 

"Yeah, they're not coming."

With that, the ebullient former leader of the United States of America, who humiliatingly lost the last election, closed up his green binder and exited the stage. 

Perhaps for the final time on US soil.