Another one of DC's Finest

Say hello to Senator John Boozman.

Oh I didn't make that name up, that's his real name.

Did I take a bunch of cheap shots at the good Senator?

You be the judge.

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9.27.18

Senator John Boozman

141 Hart Senate Office Building

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Boozman,

Dude, is that your real name?

Or some holdover from when you were a DKE fraternity brother at the University of Arkansas?

Frankly, I just can't get over how many United States Republican Senators have aptronyms.

APTRONYM

ˈaptrəˌnim/

noun

1.    a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation

And believe me, I should know as I have made it my mission to hand write letters to each and every one of you buffoons and have already corresponded with Senator Crapo, Senator Blunt, Senator Ben Sassehole, Senator GrASSley, and Senator Joe BarASSo.

Are you seeing the pattern here, John?

At this point in the letter, there's an obvious easy path I can take.

"Hey Boozman, when you voted to kick elderly oncology patients off their affordable healthcare, were you on the floor of the Senate or did you phone it in from the Little Rock Tap N' Cap?"

Or,

"Hey Boozman, remember when that reporter asked you why you were in favor of tax cuts for the wealthy? And you replied, 'yeah, bring us some more topato skins. This time put some damn cheese and bacon bit in the topatoes."

But I'm not about to go down that well-worn path.

I'm sure by this point in your life you've withstood every alcohol-soaked punch line in the book. Besides, you and I share something in common -- a love of rice.

Yours is obvious, because Arkansas is the country's largest producer of rice. Mine, perhaps not so obvious. Years ago I was brought in to work at an advertising agency on one of their biggest clients, Uncle Ben's Rice. I was given the opportunity to steep myself in the fascinating lore of rice. For close to two years I studied its history, its cultural impact and even its proper cooking technique. I even wrote a small booklet on oryza glaberrima

Oh, who am I kidding? Rice is nowhere near as funny as alky jokes.

"Listen, Boozman, today could be YOUR day. A day to carve the Boozman name down in Congressional history. 

What if, and I'm just spitballing here, you showed up at the judicial hearings, waving a half bottle of Maker's Mark, left over from breakfast. And what if you interrupted Dr. Ford's testimony about sexual misconduct by shouting, "Booooring." 

And then, in your best drunk guy at a strip club voice you shouted "Hey Grassley put on some good music and bring out Candy with the big knockers. Come on Chuck, bring out Candyyyyyyy!!!!"

That would be epic. 

You would no longer be that bland guy from Arkansas with the big ears, you'd be a legend. What Gerard Finneran was to theatrical first class air travel, you'd be to unforgettable Senate Judicial hearings.

Don't let us down Boozman.

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232

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