Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Tis the season

Did you get the Siegel family Christmas card yet?

Well, don't waste your time waiting by the mailbox. Truth is we stopped sending out cards years ago.

For several reasons. And none of them meant to disparage the practice whatsoever. Many friends and family still send us cards and we thoroughly enjoy them. No cynicism intended. We love the photos, the updates, even the long winded letters some of you choose to send out.

We enjoy them so much that we are racked with guilt for not returning the gesture. Of course that guilt is short lived or short circuited if Jeopardy comes on the tube. Or if Precedent Shitgibbon takes to the podium to announce which books we'll be burning this year.

The fact of the matter is, we're not Christmasy people. Considering the militant atheism and strands of Nihilism strewn about the house, we're barely Channukah people. We've got many bones to pick with God. So you'll have to excuse us for not coming to his three month long birthday party.

The other thing, perhaps the most glaring, is it's not our holiday.

When Tu B'shvat, the Jewish Arbor Day rolls around, I don't expect all my gentile friends to partake in the storied Tu B'shvat traditions -- the planting of the acorns, the blood-baked matzo, the bending of the knee towards the east, and the ritual reading of specified Torah sections:

Those of you diligent to do a cut and paste and a find a Hebrew translator will understand very quickly why we have abandoned organized religion. (For those who can't be bothered, Deuteronomy 25:11. Something about goats, begetting and cutting off body parts. Seriously.)

Let this be our official season's greetings card to all our friends and family.

We sincerely hope you enjoy your holiday, made even more special this year, thanks to the tireless efforts of our president who declared (strongly/bigly/mightily) that the War on Christmas is over.

Finally, after a long, long absence, the oversized trees and the flashing lights and the caroling and the candy canes and the fruitcake and the mall Santas and the sleighs and the elves and the bells and the wreaths and the ugly sweaters and the sappy movies and the candles and the cookies and the parades and the wrapping paper and the reindeer and the car antler attachments, are back.

So without fear of any persecution or retribution, I can fearlessly say, "Merry Christmas."

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