Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Kill the Planners

I owe you, the faithful roundseventeen reader, an apology.

Earlier in the year I promised to do a once-a-month posting about People We Need To Kill. I had kept that promise until July. Then, I either got too busy or less angry (doubtful), and failed to deliver in August.

And now we're almost into October.

If you work in advertising, and I know most of the people who come here do, you know there is a whole department dedicated to research, the study of human behavior, marketing insight and the development of creative and strategic briefs. These people are called Planners. And while I have had my difficulties with Planners in the past, the reality is I still draw a paycheck from many agencies.

So while they may be the smartest people in the building (again doubtful), if I were to call for their elimination, I would qualify as the dumbest.

No, the Planners I'd like to send to the abattoir are the ones responsible for LA's burgeoning light rail system. The ones with a billion dollars at their disposal, but not a nickel's worth of common sense.

For example it appears these brain-addled draftsmen and draftswomen have never experienced the wonders of flight. How else do you explain why the Metro Green Line comes so tantalizingly close to LAX but doesn't actually stop there?

This map in no way properly illustrates the stupidity of these Planners. You see, the four dots used to separate the Green Line from the LAX icon should actually be one dot.

It's that damn close.

If you were riding on the Green Line and a 747 were to land on the south runway, you could literally feel the heat from 37,000 horsepower Rolls Royce engines strapped beneath the wings.

The news is no better for sports fans.

Chavez Ravine, home of the disastrous LA Dodgers and the even more painful Dodger Stadium parking lot, is nowhere near a light rail line. It's as if the Planners went of their way to make sure baseball fans had to go out of theirs.

So much for the Planners.

To make up for lost ground, I'm including another group of people that should be culled from the herd: Islamic Extremists. This should come as no surprise as I have gone off on them many times in the past. And quite often in the past week.

Here's my fantasy scenario:

10 wide body planes, packed to the gills with jihadis, drivers who text, pageant moms, able bodied people who park in handicapped zones and the entire LA Metro Planning Department Staff. All simultaneously colliding in a Michael Bay-type fireball that would set the standard in pyrotechnic cinema for decades to come.

But of course, prior to their collective demise, I would love it if each of these detestable passengers were made to sit through a Dodger doubleheader. Then following two devastating losses, they would travel to LAX using only public transportation. And in the relenting heat of a Santa Ana September day, they would shlep their Samsonite luggage (with one broken wheel) from the corner of El Segundo Blvd and Douglas, a mile and half to the nearest terminal.

Allah Akbar!


Anonymous said...

The initial plan was to route the train into LAX. It was drawn up this way until the last minute when the Taxi Cab Unions sued and won and the alternate terminus was installed. Currently there are plans to route back into the proposed off site check in terminal which has been on the books and then on hold for years because our city planners cannot solve/justify/approve or finance improvements for LAX post 9/11 on their wish list. However, things might change (well let's say improve) if the success of the Expo line to Santa Monica has huge ridership. SImply LA will finally have a rail car to a decent destination.

Plaidbus said...

But no pageant moms means no Toddlers and Tiaras which means no Honey Boo Boo Child, and without Honey Boo Boo Child I would have nothing to talk about with your daughters.