For God's Sake

I read a great quote the other day.

It comes from Epicurus, the Greek god of Restauranteering, I believe.

Epicurus said:

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil.
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?

The logic is indisputable.
But of course the faithful will respond that I have failed to mention Satan.

So let's mention Satan, because that brings me to my second point.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not all that well-schooled in Scripture. I prefer my metaphysical knowledge and beliefs to come from men, and women, of science. I'm much more familiar with the works of Carl Sagan than I am of the writings pertaining to Ezekiel.

Or Jebediah.

Or the dude with the goats who wouldn't cross the Jordan River because he didn't light the proper number of candles.

Or his daughter ate bacon.

Or both.

And so you see I'm not all that clear on Satan's origin. Or his purpose. Is he God's half brother? Does he have superpowers that render him untouchable by God? If God and Satan were in a fantasy football league, who would pick Chad OchoCinco?

Also, and this gets to the crux of my confusion, if God knows where The Dark Lord lives (and since by definition he is all-knowing and all-powerful, he would) why doesn't he smite Satan with a meteoric shower followed by an apocalyptic Ice Age?

You know, the same kind of nasty cold spell that wiped out the dinosaurs 6,000 years ago.

Am I being flippant? When am I not?
Am I inviting God's wrath? I'm just asking the questions.
Am I worried about the consequences? Hardly.

I've looked over the recent Google analytics and though traffic is increasing, I'm pretty sure God isn't reading roundseventeen.