Monday, May 8, 2017

Off and running

An Open Letter to my daughters:

Dear Rachel & Abby,

As you know your mother and I have recently updated the living will and trust. Many of the terms and conditions still apply, including the power of attorney clause.

Should I ever find myself choking on a Swedish meatball and turning blue and losing oxygen flow leaving me with all the mental capacities of a Red State Voter in Iowa's 4th Congressional District, please feel free, no, obligated to yank the plug from the wall and donate my remaining puree meals to the poor schmuck in the hospital bed next to me.

And rest assured that certain financial arrangements are still in place for you with regards to any liquid assets or subsequent sale of the house. However, and this is the difficult part of this letter, there may be substantially less money than you had previously been led to believe.

Here's why.

Your mother and I have decided to move to Sioux City, Iowa. OK, I'm still working on convincing mom, but I'm dead set on going. The plan is to establish residency in this very white, very Republican, very goyish 4th District and dethrone current Representative Steve King, not the author, the miscreant.

Rep. King once famously stated the "female body has the ability to prevent pregnancy in cases of incest or rape."

King also proposed electrifying the fence on our southern border because it's been proven to work on livestock.

Are we (?) going all the way to Sioux City to support and fund raise and campaign for a new candidate and help him or her unseat this walking talking flesh-sack of idiocy?


The plan is grander than that.

Your inheritance, the money you have been eyeing since the time you accidentally opened an envelope from Fidelity Investments, is being redirected. It will nourish the seeds of a political newbie. A man of principle. Common sense. And enough moral indignation for 10 men -- Me.

I have officially reached my boiling point and can no longer watch this feckless Congress and their Fascist flagbearer, the man we call Precedent Shitgibbon. Or, COTUS, Cockholster Of The United States. Or, the churlish, clay-brained, canker blossom.

I'm going to be the change I want to see in this country. You know as soon as I change your mother's mind about picking up and moving to Iowa.



PS. Possible campaign slogan:

The Jew from the City of Sioux.