Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Last week, the Internet was on fire with memes about Martin Shkreli, the pharmaceutical douchebag who tried to gouge sick seniors by raising the price of one particular drug. Many claimed he had one of the Top Ten Punchable Faces.
I don't make it a habit of punching people, but if I did, local Weather Boy/tanning booth abuser Dallas Raines would be at the top of my list.
For months now he has been pimping the fictional arrival of the big El Nino, a Pacific ocean phenomena that produces huge amounts of rain.
To date, it has not.
In fact, in what was promised to be one of the wettest winters ever recorded in Southern California, our levels are still below normal.
Rich, I can hear you saying through the Internet, isn't it a little futile to be complaining about the lack of rain and the pinstriped buffoon with his ridiculous signature hand gestures? Yes it is. But I didn't get to 1400 blog posts by ignoring the little futilities of life.
Besides, Dallas Raines, Fritz Coleman and the KCBS "meteorologist" who wears the tight dresses, are not completely without blame. Because while they haven't produced much in the way of moisture, that hasn't stopped them from frothing at the mouth with endless teasers and precipatory promises.
"A big storm is headed our way, how much rain we will get?"
"Could this be the big one we've been expecting?"
"Are we in for a wet week? Find out at 11."
You'll notice all these teases are phrased as questions. And for good reason. Dallas has seen the reports from the National Weather Service. I should say someone who knows how to read those maps and reports has seen them and told Dallas what to say on screen. They know there's no rain coming. But that doesn't stop Dallas from making the inference and get all worked up like a monkey raised on sugar and cocaine.
The "news" networks have research that shows the mere mention about the possibility of water falling from the sky in Southern California sends the ratings up. Way up.
And good ratings means good revenue from advertisers. And good revenue means Dallas can afford his twice a day micro-laser teeth whitening treatments.
There is no El Nino.
There is no Ebola or Zika epidemic.
There is no homosexual agenda.
There is no War on Christianity.
There is no political revolution.
And there is no Breaking News.
It's all just one 24-hour a day, media-fueled bukake of fist-pumping hype.
And this nonsense about rain is just a drop in the bucket.