Thursday, August 15, 2013

Take two in the morning

On the topic of drugs, there's medicine and there's alternative medicine. Or as I like to call it, bullshit.

It should surprise no one that I'm not a fan of homeopathic, acupuncture, stone therapy or anything that involves the burning of incense or the chanting of incantations. I'll take a prescription, thank you very much. Preferably something derived from, or containing, opiates.

Here in Los Angeles, this is tantamount to heresy.

I can't tell you how many dinner parties or social engagements or even school functions that I've been to and forced to listen to such nonsense.

"The chiropractor said I was tied up in knots. He wants me to try some inversion boots."

"Turns out my chi was all out of balance. So I'm drinking Kale Mango Smoothies."

"My aromatherapist has me on Cinnamon/Sage for the next week. And then we're going to take it down a notch to French Vanilla."

If I get a scaly rash on my back I want a fast acting, industrial grade ointment that's going to make it go away.

What I don't want is some half-assed yoga instructor with an Associates Degree in Eastern Biology from Humboldt University telling me to stop eating Rib Eye steaks or centercut applewood bacon.

Of course I'm not alone in my close-mindedness.

Three years ago, the New England Journal of Medicine wrote:

"The most recent well powered clinical trials of acupuncture for chronic back pain showed that sham acupuncture was as effective as real acupuncture." Adding, "any benefits are mostly attributable to contextual and psychosocial factors, such as patients' beliefs and expectations."

In other words, it's all the placebo effect. That may suffice for gullible, affluent Angelenos living west of Lincoln Blvd. But it doesn't do much good for my 11-year old dog suffering from seasonal allergies. You see, she doesn't have the cognitive power to wish away the itching.

So after a trip to fully-certified medical veterinarian, I picked up some real medicine, Predizone and Cefpodoxime. And guess what? It worked.

I couldn't be happier.
Because there was no way I was going to strap my dog into inversion boots.

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