That's My Sign

On the topic of Astrology, it is much easier to accept the well-reasoned wisdom of the late Cornell Professor and PhD, renowned astronomer Carl Sagan than it is of some tea-leaf reading Gypsy with a G.E.D. and a colorful collection of slow-burning aromatic candles.

(For those of you short on time you can skip to 3:45 on the video.)

Until recently, I could just never muster up the belief in the Zodiac, not only because of the reasons stated by Mr. Sagan, but because my horoscope had always been so monumentally wrong. Time and time again.

But last week that all changed.

I found out, as did the world, that due to planetary wobbling, certain shifts were needed to correct the alignment of the stars and make way for a 13th sign.

This, it turns out, has made all the difference. Not only have I've gone from being a Pisces to an Aquarius. I have crossed the Rubicon and gone from being a disbeliever to a fervent believer.

Take today's horoscope for instance. Under my old sign Pisces, it reads: Today will be an astounding day filled with joy, merriment and unfathomable and flattering attention from the opposite sex.

Yeah right.

Here's my new horoscope with my properly aligned zodiac sign: You are a bald, talentless hack who despite eating less carbohydrates and running three miles a day will never lose any weight.

Suck it, Carl.