Monday, August 22, 2016

President What's His Face.

As the Olympics exit the news cycle, we can welcome back the crazy and oh-so-unpresidential antics of one Donald J. Trump -- the most unqualified candidate to ever take to the political stomp, shake hands and kiss babies.

Or, kick babies out of a rally.

I understand some of you have a visceral disgust with his opponent, Hillary. She's dishonest. She's cunning. And she's manipulative. Newsflash, she's a politician and they all are. In the arena of politics those are not character flaws but attributes for success.

But I'm not here to discuss her worthiness, I'm here to discuss his unworthiness. To put it more succinctly, here are five candidates who are more fit for the Oval Office than Trump:

1. Richie, the talkative HVAC repairman. Months ago, my doctor suggested that my recurring bronchitis could be the result of dirty air. He suggested I give the vents in my house a thorough cleaning. Enter Richie, tatted from head to toe, with enough muscles for two men. Despite looking like a jailhouse lifer, Richie had the gift of gab. A self-taught history buff, he peppered his sales pitch with references to the ancient Greeks, Voltaire and Heinrich Himmler. I believe Richie the talkative HVAC repairman had a better body of knowledge than Cheetoh Jesus and would therefore have my vote. Oh and I'm very happy with the stainless steel filters.

2. Craig, the shit-for-brains account guy. I've had the pleasure of working with some of the brightest people on the planet. That they all work in advertising is a crying shame. Nevertheless, even our not-so-brightest, like Craig, would make a better commander in chief than Trump. Sure, he once left the portfolio on the plane. And yes, there was that time he had us work on a brief that the client never saw. But Craig, the shit-for-brains account guy always made sure the account ran in the black ink. And he kept the client happy. So there was always an opportunity to do another Year End Sales Event.

3. Mr. Jones, my old boy scout troop leader. When I was a kid my father made me join the Boy Scouts. To learn how to make a fire or fight off the local gentiles who'd never met a Jew before. Our troop leader was Mr. Jones, an ex-NYC cop who sported a crew cut and smoked Lucky Strikes. He was about as rigid as they come. He'd tell you where he stood on an issue and never wavered. Once he planned a Winter Klondike Camping Trip. It snowed about a foot and the temperature dropped into the single digits. Did Mr. Jones cancel the campout? No. No, he did not. He's probably dead now, but his cadaver would get my vote.

4. Sarah Palin. She doesn't read. She doesn't write. And in many cases, she doesn't even speak the English language as we know it. She's a special kind of stupid. Nevertheless it's a benign stupid. She never threatened to whip out the nuclear weapons or carpet bomb an area inhabited by civilians. Or jail women who've had an abortion. Or shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue. The fact that we now have a presidential candidate who has done all that, and more, speaks volumes to the clusterfucked situation we find ourselves in.

5. Crow. 

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