Bitch at Mitch

Thursday Thrashing, Week #8

I'll spare you the intro and get right to it...

3/8/18

Senator Mitch McConnell

317 Russell Senate Office Building, 

Washington, DC 205100001

Dear Mitch,

About two months ago I embarked on a mission to write to each of our Republican US Senators and offer them my personal review of their performance. It's sort of like YELP. Of course, with the dire direction our country is going in (porn stars/WH defections/money laundering/ Russians/and more porn stars) it's more like HELP.

This is now the 8th letter of its kind.

With you being the ranking majority Senator, you'd think you would have been the first to receive a letter. That honor went to Bob Corker.

In fact, perhaps due to my early senility or perhaps due to the hot lava like rage I feel towards your Tennessee cohort, I've actually penned TWO letters to Corky, who flips and flops more than an oxygen-starved mackerel on the deck of an Alaska fishing boat.

A long-winded way of saying, Mitch, you just don't merit my respect.

Truth be told, I had given serious thought to writing all 52 letters and purposely not writing to you; the Merrick Garland treatment if you will.

But, here we are, so permit me to unload on the piss poor positions you have taken on the pressing issues of the day.

On Russian election interference, you stated...oh wait you haven't stated anything.

On the House Intel Committee debacle, uh...again nothing.

On Stormy Daniels, nothing.

On the breakdown of DACA talks, nothing.

On the recent Florida school shootings, nothing.

On gun reform, nothing. (No wait that's not true, you mentioned gun control and then said bank reform was more important.)

On the Rob Porter wife beating violence, nothing.

On the porous WH security clearance passes, nothing.

On the president's refusal to issue Russian Sanctions, nothing.

On shithole countries, nothing.

On the president's personal attacks on fellow Senator John McCain, nothing.

On Kelly Anne Conway's violation of the Hatch Act, nothing.

On the bogus Nunes Memo, nothing.

On Charlottesville, nothing.

On the failed rescue of Puerto Rico, nothing.

I'm sure you are aware of the meme concerning your indifference to such suffering.

But personally I find the whole turtle sticking its head in its shell to be tired and hackneyed. Moreover, it's wrong. Because it connotes a moving, breathing organism that still possesses life.

But like ethics, morals and sense of duty to country, you have none.

I prefer to think of you not as a turtle but as a large, muddied sedimentary boulder pressing down on the neck of America. Suffocating the country with nothing more but the unmoving forces of gravity, until the lifeblood of democracy and liberty no longer flow freely, leaving nothing but a dried up corpse of a once great nation.

That'll be your legacy, Mitch.

Have a great day Senator.

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232

Everywhere you ever were.

As some of you might know, last week I had the great honor of attending a Chiat/Day mini-reunion lunch with Lee Clow and some of my ex-partners. I'm guessing that fired off some long forgotten brain synapses. Because yesterday, a name popped into my head that hadn't been there for a long time -- Ed Grover.

Chances are, you don't know that name.

There's also a good chance that you might have seen Ed, but still don't remember him, as he was a character actor in many films and TV shows.

Even if that's not the case, I'm betting the house you'd recognize Ed's familiar voice. Ed was a voiceover guy and did hundreds of commercials for Visa, Apple, Pepsi and Nissan.

I had the great opportunity to work with him on Nissan. Even though I was the one at the mixing board, with the red button in one hand and a fistful of stupid direction in the other, Ed had all the power. He literally taught me how to conduct a voiceover session.

He'd enter the booth, often with a briefcase in one hand. Slip on his reading glasses. Go through the copy. With a red pen in hand. He would fix all the punctuation mistakes. And suggest edits. A professional, through and through.

Ed also had a unique way of delivering a voiceover.

He'd put on the cans (headphones) and fold his arms over his chest before projecting into the microphone. I would learn he did this because it makes the voice eminate from the deepest part of his diaphragm. That could have been some crazy California eccentricity, but it worked for Ed, so it worked for me.

We rarely did more than 7-8 takes.
He was that good.
And that left us plenty of time to shoot the shit.

Ed could tell stories. He had traveled the world and seemed to have a tale for every continent.  He was a student of the martial arts. He worked with the great stars of his day. Oh and he built furniture. If I heard the story of his imported teak credenza with the hand tooled rabbit joints, once, I heard it a thousand times.

Sometimes Ed could be a pain in the ass. But he was always a joy to listen to.

Because he lived wide. Wider than most.

I don't know if copywriters get to work with colorful characters like Ed Grover. You don't need a VO guy for banner ads or page takeovers or Instagram scavenger hunts. But I'm glad that I did.

I looked Ed up on Google and found out he passed away in 2016.

Rest in peace, Ed.

That's a wrap.

Pearls before swine

Gotta give it up to my buddy Andrew Schaefer and his agency for their newest spot featuring Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart and Bill Nye. It's for Nike. And the spot, for running shoes, hinges on the notion of the Earth coming to a complete standstill. You can see it here.

I like this idea.
I liked it even better when we presented it to Energizer, albeit with a different spin, more than a decade ago.

Every creative person I know has had this happen to them. It's infuriating. And can make the blood boil. I just happen to have a not-so-popular blog wherein I can vent my gripes and get it off my significantly barrel-shaped chest. And damn if I'm going to let this self aggrandizing platform go to waste.

Years ago, when Chiat/Day used to bring me in on freelance projects, I was asked to work with Jerry Gentile on a big Energizer Bunny project. They wanted to get back to doing something spectacular with the Energizer Bunny. They were looking for a blockbuster, with big production value and Super Bowl type humor.

We came up with what we thought was something groundbreaking.
Or I should say, ground-staking.

The Earth had literally stopped spinning on its axis. 

As a result, there were tidal and gravity-related consequences.

Physical anomalies that would lend themselves to a cinematic progression of vignettes, involving:

Old men spilling their soup.

Kids flying off swings.

Tug of war teams falling in mud.

Surfers losing their waves.

Cars smashing into each other.

You get the idea.

I'm sure the script was chock full of funny bits of business.

I don't have the script anymore, but the resolve ended with a man in the North Pole who was in charge of maintaining the Earth-spinning apparatus. And the AA batteries on his remote control had failed.

Enter the Energizer Bunny. Some slop about long lasting batteries. End on logo. Jerry and I go to Cannes pick up a ton of awards. Cash it all in for big bucks.

Of course, that's not the way it happened.

That's not the the way it ever happens.

It's why I drive a car from 2007. And I never replace my T-shirts until they literally fall apart in the dryer.

South by South Worst

It's that time of year again.

It's SXSW.

Time to boondoggle it down to Austin, Texas, throw on a lanyard, eat some BBQ brisket and bathe in the digital genius that festival lovers just can't seem to get enough of.

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know it's also time for me to break out the Bullshit Generator and concoct satirical forums and panels that SXSW goers will be attending with pollyannish zeal and revolting optimism.

Here are a few sample's from 2015:


Maximizing your brand's inner potential, presented by Plaxo, Foursquare and Google+
Tuesday 9:30 AM Presidential Suite at the Austin Ramada


Elf Me 14, the Return of America's favorite photo upload phenomena.
Wednesday, 10:00 AM at The Austin Comfort Inn Wedding Banquet Room


Going Long, a discussion with the industry's remaining three 45-year old copywriters
Thursday, 6:00 AM at the Austin CVS


This has been a running joke on RoundSeventeen for longer than I care to remember. So this year, when the lines between parody and reality have been inalterably blurred, I thought I'd do something different. I thought it'd be fun to cherry pick REAL panels and forums from the SXSW schedule.

Because, in all honesty, I don't know if I could put a finer point on the festering bullcockery that has a stranglehold on our business.

To wit:

Fashion Retail and Social Justice in a Red State
March 9, 2018

Modern fashion retail mirrors the modern world, with consumers more conscientious than ever and the call for social justice as a daily imperative. Hello Holiday cofounders Sarah Lorsung Tvrdik and Megan Hunt built their business on the bet that, even in a red state, the risk of being politically controversial could be worth the reward. Entrepreneurship can, and does, intersect with activism and politics. Today, the professional is political. Here’s how to do it right.

"Yeah, I just came in your store to buy a belt."

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AI: Transforming Luxury, fashion and Beauty

March 9, 2018

Four Seasons Ballroom

From detecting fashion and beauty trends through social media to AI-enabled stylists and personalized chats, artificial intelligence (AI) has become the new customer service for fashion and beauty brands. This panel will explore the future of AI for luxury, fashion and beauty; the panel will also discuss the ethics of AI and the talent and infrastructure necessary to integrate AI into fashion and beauty.

"Yeah, I was at this other store. I'm still looking to buy a belt."

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Using Analytics to Improve the Patient Journey

March 9, 2018

Austin Convention Center

The health care ecosystem has evolved to become enormously complex, and data has become the linchpin for making sense of it all. Using sophisticated analytics, health care organizations can merge and transform disparate data sources into a single coherent view of patients. This creates a much more complete view of patients and their individual journeys. By creating this single view, health care providers can create a common clinical and financial language and understanding across stakeholders.

"Yeah, I've been shopping for a belt but couldn't find anything and now I've got a migraine."

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I know I may be the most cynical asswipe on the planet, but that's just Day One!!! 

We are mired in self importance.

We pretend to be rock stars or industry celebrities.

We have an artistinally crafted kale burrito in one hand and an undrinkable IPA garnished with a pine cone in the other.

We've gone from selling computers, cars and shoes to peddling customer journeys, data driven experiential psychobabble and out-and-out maggot-infested marketing manure.

This asshead.

Welcome to Thursday Thrashing Week #7, wherein I write a personal hand written letter to each of our Republican US Senators.

Let's talk about useless, like:

Tits on a bull.

A screen door on a submarine.

Anne Frank's drum set.

Like Senator Chuck Grassley.

2/28/18

Senator Chuck Grassley

135 Hart Senate Office Building.

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator,

You are a useless old fuck.

I hate to start out using coarse language and pejoratives that no United States Senator wants to hear, but useless was the best and only word that came to mind.

Let me back the train up and explain that I have assigned myself the task of handwriting letters to each and every one of our Republican US Senators, men and women like you, who have been complicit in the immoral, illegal and very likely traitorous administration of one witless Precedent Shitgibbon.

Again, I apologize for the language, but that man-child is witless.

Today is your turn in the barrel.

Why, you may ask. Because we have reached a pivotal point in the ongoing Russian investigation. Rick Gates has just flipped and is now providing evidence against Paul Manafort. They were both operating as foreign agents of Ukraine and by proxy Russia. And they were both laundering dirty money for thuggish oligarchs.

Even if we were to assume that Captain Fuckknuckle had nothing to do with these criminal shenanigans, the fact remains that he hired Manafort and Gates, as well as Papadopoulos and General Flynn. So despite his constant pleas for extreme vetting, he did no vetting and let these admitted spies into the inner sanctum of our government.

That alone should have you screaming from the rafters. You know after you empty your Senate bedpan.

Now, let's look at an even worse and more probable scenario.

I believe, Mr. Mueller will present copious evidence that your president was not an oblivious bystander to all this Russian financial fuckery.

I believe that Mueller, a lifelong Republican and war hero, whose integrity is beyond reproach (particularly from lowlifes Devin Nunes and Matt Gaetz), will confirm the charges in the Steele Dossier.

I believe that Americans will soon be talking about Bayrock and Felix Sater. And that they will be household names just as Haldeman and Erlichman were some 40 years ago.

I believe the president's refusal to issue Russian sanctions, to take any meaningful preventative measures on our next election and to constantly deflect to Hillary Clinton is a red flag warning to any thinking, rational warm blooded American patriot.

Which you, clearly are not.

Because in light of all this, you choose to spin your wheels on the finer technical points of the FISA application to surveil Carter Page. Carter Fucking Page!!!

You're as useless as the forward gears on a French tank.

Best regards,

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232

A celebration of birth

Today we are celebrating.

Not my birthday. I could give a rat's ass about that. You turn 44, big deal. There's nothing special about turning 44. Been there, done that.

But today is special day for Roundseventeen. Because it was on this day 9 years ago, when I was a young lad of 35 that I got an email from my friend Mark Montiero, who said...

"You should start a blog. It'd be a good way for you to vent. And it might even help you land some freelance work."

Mark, as if often the case, was right on both counts.

It's now 1800+ posts later and we're still going strong. In fact, we're closing in on a million page views sometime in the very near future. So, to the dismay of many, the blogging will continue until morale improves.

For one thing, and I know this is hard to believe, this blog has produced more assignments and job referrals than 6 years on Working Not Working and 10 years on Linkedin. Turns out that brutal honesty and a throw-caution-to-the-wind attitude makes for a winning recipe. In fact, this post may be just the thing that lands me the House of Flanges account.

More importantly, the blog has become an important source of therapy.

You see, I don't have much in the way of hobbies. I don't collect tiki mugs or glass eyeballs or paintings of clowns. I don't build ships inside glass bottles. I don't stockpile guns and make regular visits to the firing range.

Though it's hard to tell, my free time is spent working out: swimming, lifting weights, getting on the elliptical in my garage or hiking up the nearby Culver City stairs.

Similarly, I'm hopelessly monogamous.

Oh my wife has offered me the free pass to go off the range but she knows full well there would be no takers. Prodigious ear hair and untrimmed eyebrows reduce that prospect down to zero.

The thing is, I like to write.

Whether it's snarky Facebook comments, unfinished, under-developed screenplays, self published books that go nowhere, or even rambling blog posts directed at my 13 regular readers who have been with me for the last nine years. And for no reason that I can discern have decided to stay with me for the next nine years.

You, in essence have become my mistress.

Whether you like or not.

I'm thinking the latter.

Chiat/Day turns 50

A few months ago I received a rather unique invite.

It came from a producer at Media Arts Lab (an offshoot of TBWA Chiat/Day.) And asked if I would be interested in attending a lunch with Lee Clow, as well as other Chiat/Day luminaries, to celebrate the company's 50th anniversary.

This was an honor reserved for a select few. So naturally, I thought an error had been made. And that someone had transposed the list of People We Like with the list of Fat Bald Guys We Never Want to See Again. But, as you can tell from the picture above, I went anyway.

Damn, I'm glad I did.

First of all, there was so much free sushi. Like an all you can eat raw fish buffet. Salmon, tuna, yellowtail, and those fancy rolls where they combine exotic slivers of seafood together to form one piece of bite size goodness.

Plus, there was wine.
Free wine.

Red, white, whatever I wanted. And when the glass ran dry, a waitress or a waiter, there seemed to be an entire crew at our disposal, would just come by and give me a refill. FREE. I didn't even have to ask. Nor did I have to look at the menu and pretend I knew the subtle differences between a Syrah and Pinot.

If that wasn't enough, I'm told there's also going to be a free commemorative T-shirt coming my way for participating in the affair.

Sheeeeet, it's a shame these 50 year soirees don't come around more often.

Of course, this tongue-in-cheek recap would not be complete if I didn't mention the company I had the pleasure to enjoy. All former partners, in one sense or another.

Rob Schwartz and I wrote spec TV scripts together and even got hired by former SIMPSONS producers Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein, to write an episode of their show, MISSION HILL. Had things gone a different way (namely had they paid us more money), Rob and I could've embarked on a different career path into television. Considering the demise of the sitcom, perhaps it's a blessing we didn't.

Jerry Gentile and I were partners for a brief period. But were more often found jabbering and playing pool, first at the warehouse building, then the binocular building and then again at the Playa Vista headquarters.

And John Shirley and I were linked at the hip, sometimes like partners in a bad marriage. We fought, we argued, we grew weary of each other's personal ticks. But mostly we laughed and produced the best work of our careers. Work that still brings us each enormous pride.

And of course, there's Lee Clow. Who was always my internal partner. Meaning he lived in my head. Always judging the work and always demanding excellence. And always in the best way possible. Not by demeaning, not by yelling, not by being unreasonable. But by setting a standard. Of finding truth. Humor. And always an unexpected way to tell a story. A Chiat/Day standard that has stood the test of time.

For all that and so much more, I'd like to lift a glass of Merlot and say thank you, Lee.

To which I'm sure he would respond...

"You're welcome, Brian." 

Facebook out pizzas the Hut

I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to digital advertising or social media, I am no Shingy, or Farbo, or any one of a thousand so-called prophets, ninjas or soothsayers.

But what I lack in my knowledge of html, UX, UI, Instagram and Snapchattery, I more than make up for in plain old common sense.

And I like to think I'm well versed in the tenets of good advertising.

So I find myself confused.
Particularly when big companies insist on hosting a Facebook page.

Take Pizza Hut, for example. (Full disclosure I worked on this account several times over my career and it has left a sour taste in my mouth, not unlike their shrimp/pineapple concoction. That's not pizza, that's a buffet table that was accidentally knocked over and fell onto a slab of bread and into a cardboard box.)

The Pizza Hut Facebook page has more than 32 million fans. Or brand engagers as my colleagues like to say. But do not be deceived. There may be 32 million people who liked the page but there are not 32 million people who like their pizza.

In fact, if you were to read through some of the comments, you'd have a hard time finding 32 people who had a positive experience.

In essence, the Pizza Hut Facebook page is nothing more than bulletin board for folks who discovered that anyone can out pizza the Hut.

"Dude, WTF. I ordered your pizza and it was soggy AF."

"Shittiest birthday pizza ever. Thanks Pizza Hut."

And then there was this disappointed "brand engager" who aired her complaints in the form of poetry:

"Once upon a midnight dreary,
I went to bed all weak and weary.
No dinner had I consumed,
my system was running just on fumes.
My kids had pleaded for a pie,
so from pizza hut online we did buy.

But when the hours we counted had reached four,
There came no knocking on our residence's door.

Did Pizza Hut offer any apology? or offer up our next is free?
No response we did receive.

We shall order from them nevermore. Nevermore."

Holy shit, when the masses start whipping out the couplets, the consonance and the iambic pentameter to put a beatdown on your pizza, those aren't Pizza Hut fans those are new Domino's customers.

Mind you, this was all found on the first page of their site. I didn't cherry pick like Devin Nunes going through a FISA application. I just opened the Pizza Hut Facebook page and stuck my hand in and grabbed a bunch of disgruntled customers. Who, by the way, have no doubt read the tales of other disgruntled customers.

In other words, their dissatisfaction will only be amplified. In other, other words, this shit is probably costing them millions of dollars.

So hey, Pizza Hut, next time a seasoned, old-timey copywriter suggests you rethink your digital strategy, maybe you should listen.

Or, not.

Mueller is coming

This is a late, unique Friday afternoon Roundseventeen posting.

I think it's important enough to stray for my normal routine. I just spent a little time digging through the guilty plea entered by Rick Gates, former Deputy Campaign Manager for Precedent Shitgibbon, you know one of the Best People, he so proudly crows about.

This is an admission of Guilt. And details the many dealings he and Manafort had with the Russians, via their proxy representatives in the Ukraine.

I've excerpted the parts I thought were most interesting and annotated it for my own amusement. If you still stand behind this twatwaffle of a president, you are turning a blind eye to TREASON.

It's a bit long, but worth it:

Between at least 2006 and 2015, GATES and Paul J. Manafort, Jr. (Manafort) acted as unregistered agents of the Government of Ukraine, the Party of Regions (a Ukrainian political party whose leader Victor Yanukovych was President from 2010 to 2014), Yanukovych, and the Opposition Bloc (a successor to the Party of Regions that formed in 2014 when Yanukovych fled to Russia).

(In other words, they were working for Russia!!!)

In order to hide Ukraine payments from United States authorities, from approximately 2006 through at least 2016 (during the campaign), Manafort and GATES laundered the money through scores of United States and foreign corporations, partnerships, and bank accounts.

In furtherance of the scheme, Manafort and GATES concealed from the United States their work as agents of, and millions of dollars in payments from, Ukraine and its political parties and leaders. Because Manafort and GATES, among other things, directed a campaign to lobby United States officials on behalf of the Government of Ukraine, the President of Ukraine, and Ukrainian political parties, they were required by law to report to the United States their work and fees.

(In other, other words they were traitors to the USA)

The Party of Regions was a pro-Russia political party in Ukraine. Beginning in approximately 2006, it retained Manafort, through DMP and then DMI, to advance its interests in Ukraine, including the election of its slate of candidates.

Between in or around 2008 and 2017 (After Precedent Shitgibbon took office), both dates being approximate and inclusive, in the District of Columbia and elsewhere, Manafort and GATES devised and intended to devise, and executed and attempted to execute, a scheme and artifice to defraud, and to obtain money and property by means of false and fraudulent pretenses, representations, and promises from the United States, banks, and other financial institutions. As part of the scheme, Manafort and GATES repeatedly provided false information to financial bookkeepers, tax accountants, and legal counsel,  among others.

It is illegal to act as an agent of a foreign principal (not just any country, Russia, our number one adversary) engaged in certain United States influence activities without registering the affiliation. Specifically, a person who engages in lobbying or public relations work in the United States (hereafter collectively referred to as lobbying) for a foreign principal such as the Government of Ukraine or the Party of Regions is required to provide a detailed written registration statement to the United States Department of Justice. The filing, made under oath, must disclose the name of the foreign principal, the financial payments to the lobbyist, and the measures undertaken for the foreign principal, among other information. A person required to make such a filing must further make in all lobbying material a "conspicuous statement" that the materials are distributed on behalf of the foreign principal, among other things. The filing thus permits public awareness and evaluation of the activities of a lobbyist who acts as an agent of a foreign power (again Russia) or foreign political party in the United States.

In November 2016 and February 2017, Manafort, GATES, and DM1 caused false and misleading letters to be submitted to the Department of Justice, which mirrored the false cover story set out above. The letters, both of which were approved by Manafort and GATES before they were submitted, represented, among other things, that: efforts on behalf of the Party of Regions? ?did not include meetings or outreach within the Manafort and GATES did not recall meeting with or conducting outreach to US. government officials or US. media outlets on behalf of the [Centre], nor do they recall being party to, arranging, or facilitating any such communications. Rather, it is the recollection and understanding of Messrs. Gates and Manafort that such communications would have been facilitated.

In short, treason. 

Not a political witch hunt. 

Not a hoax.

Our president is a foreign agent of Russia.