Wednesday, September 11, 2024

"ladies and gentleman, if I can have your attention please..."


Brace yourself for impact. 

"Brace. Brace. Brace."

Actually, you can relax, particularly if you thought I was going to nosedive into a story about how a four hour travel day from Vancouver BC to Los Angeles turned into a 16 hour nightmare and a lost iWatch.

I'm not going to bore you with that story. Mostly, because it's boring but also because we each have a story just like it. 

In fact, most of us (the flying public) have more than one. 

In fact again, that is why the FAA recently passed a Passenger Bill of Rights. It's the federal government's weak attempt to hold airlines accountable for their FUBAR operations, their inexcusable contempt for the people who pay their bills (us) and the unbelievable lengths and widths they will go to cram as many passengers as possible into uncontortable aluminum tube.

If the government and neo-fascist activist judges weren't so busy posting the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms, they would initiate a compulsory order for every airline to post the Passenger Bill of Rights in every terminal.  And every gate, where those rights are routinely violated.

If I'm reading the new PBR correctly, I'm entitled to more than $1000 in compensation for the delays and the inadequate disbursal of meal vouchers as well as hotel vouchers. But trying to make good on this remuneration is where the rubber never meets the road.

On AA for example, my favorite airline for a humbling dose of travel misery, it is impossible to find the necessary form to request the aforementioned compensation. It is the digital equivalent of a phone tree on an infinite loop of facepalming roadblocks. Sending an email to the AA Customer Service Department (as if it really exists) is equally aneuerism-worthy.

I've been ghosted more than a freelance copywriter willing to throw words on a page for $35/hour. 

Taking a different route I was able to find a different possible path to semi-satisfaction. All I had to do was provide my AA Frequently Homicidal Flyer number. As well as my 13 digit ticket number. 

When was the last time you were on a plane? Do you know your ticket number? Do you know where to find the ticket number? Do you know the surface temperature of Uranus? 

I think you get the point without any further possibly-offensive descriptors.

You can't find it. And they purposely make it that way. In the same way they will inform you: "Because of the high volume of complaints, we may not be able to address your issue as quickly as we'd like."

Let's be clear, they don't like to address any issues.

Because if they did maybe they wouldn't have such a high volume of complaints. I'd be curious to know when -- if ever -- they don't have a high volume of complaints.

The situation is so out of hand, it's even impervious to my old standby solution. I penned a two page letter to Robert Isom, CEO of American Airlines and I overnighted it to his desk in Fort Worth. I told Mr. Isom that I had also cc'ed the Department of Transportation and Secretary Pete Buttigeig. 

Ghosted again.

Is there answer for all this corporate malfeasance? We may not live in a democracy much longer but we can still count on capitalism and the free marketplace of ideas. It applies to most industries, but for today's sake we'll focus on flying. 

It means fewer, but significantly bigger seats on every plane.

On time arrivals and departures. Guaranteed.

Full meals and complimentary bar.

Curmudgeon Airlines. The way humans were meant to fly.


Or, if I were to get all Dudley Moore with it:

Curmudgeon Airlines. You'll pay more, but we won't treat you like shit.

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