I got your brand journey, right here

My friend Mickey...er, Paul, is one of the founders and owners of ADWEAK. You have no doubt seen his posts on Twitter, Facebook and Linkedin.

One of my favorite series he runs is the confused consumer trying to decide which brand to go with. Perhaps the most critical factor in her selection is how the brand's life journey aligns with her busy life. It's a sharp jab at the Planning/Strategists/CMOs who believe their own shit doesn't stink.

It does.

All this horsecockery started as I was inching my way out the double bolted doors of advertising. And I often thank my lucky stars that I found the Exit Door just in time. 

As a solo supermarket shopper, I can say without hesitation, that's not how this works. To steal a phrase, "It's not how any of this works."

Take paper towels for instance. 

Unless you're reaching for the Kirkwood or Signature generic store brands, you only have two real choices in Paper Towels -- Bounty and Brawny. One of them is the quicker picker upper, but I'd have to flip a coin to guess which one. Both, I suspect, do a fine job of picking up my spilt coffee, wiping down the dated butcher block counter (that needs sanding) or cleaning up my new bidet-equipped bathroom.

Nevertheless, I choose Brawny, featuring the red shirted he-man lumberjack. Which by the way, has nothing to do with my early flannel-wearing, wood-chopping days in frigid Syracuse, NY. 

The two reasons I pick Brawny? They come in a handy dandy 4 pack which doesn't take up too much room in my disorganized pantry. And I like the way the paper tears off the roll. Seriously.

That's it. And there's no amount of advertising by Bounty, or the significantly cheaper brands that will change that.

Same logic applies to batteries. 

Admission: I spent many years working at Chiat/Day, who reaped millions of dollars and awards for the advertising genius behind the Energizer battery. The ads said Energizer batteries keep going and going and going. And the drum-pounding bunny seemed to reinforce that. But in real life, in my life, I have found (anecdotally, of course) that the copper topped Duracells actually last longer. 

And so you won't find any Energizer batteries in my house. Though I am indebted to them for a 2005 golf outing at Trump's nightmare clownish course, which I secretly hope is falling into the ocean. It cost $300 to tee off at that shithole by the sea.

I suppose this is a dilemma for all makers of parity products. They need to do a better job at finding the reasons why people choose what they choose. 

It won't be easy. It won't be pretty. 

Thankfully, it won't be me doing it.