What if...

Dateline: November 5th, 2024

7;07 PM Voter turnout for this historic election is at an all time high. Having tamed inflation, substantially grown the economy, helped Ukraine push back on Russia adventurism, and successfully guided the nation out of a deadly pandemic, President Joe Biden has built an early, some would say insurmountable lead, over his opponent, twice-impeached and four-time indicted ex President Trump.

9:13PM Unlike years in the past, the GOP has embraced early voting and mail in ballots as a strategy to increase voter participation. As those ballots are counted, President Biden's lead is slowly shrinking.

11:47 PM Though the votes are still being counted in several states, President Biden clings to his lead and suggests the voting be STOPPED. IMMEDIATELY. He then goes on to prematurely declare, "Frankly we won this election. By A LOT!"

November 6, 2024

8:24 AM Ex President Trump has narrowed the gap significantly. And recaptured states that were previously called for Biden, including Georgia, Arizona, Michigan and Nevada. President Biden's spokesperson calls for an immediate press conference at the Hyatt House of Pancakes in Baltimore Maryland. A small gaggle of confused reporters hear the spokesperson ramble on about the election being jigged. And something about Jewish space lasers and Chinese made toaster ovens.

November 10, 2024 

All three networks call the race for Ex President Shitgibbon, who is scheduled to return to the White House on January 20, 2025. President Biden takes to Twitter/X and begins whining, "The election was JIGGED. I won. And you know it."

November 12, 2024

While President-Elect Trump dances around the country in the biggest victory lap ever staged, President Biden summons his lawyers, cronies and even Roger Stone (who will work for anyone as long as the check clears). They begin strategizing and quickly assemble "alternate electors in various swing states."

President Biden sits down with Kamala Harris and begins a series of conversations about how the Constitution grants her certain magical superpowers.

December 17, 2024

The electoral votes are tallied by Congress. 

Ex-Precedent Trump -- 306

President Biden -- 232

December 18, 2024

President Biden addresses his supporters via Twitter/X and tells them to gather at the White House Lawn on January 6th, 2025. "It's gonna be wild!"

December 27, 2024

Operatives from the desperate Democratic party gain back door access to county election offices in various states. They use false IDs and copy sensitive election data from the machines in a failed attempt to alter the results.

Other Biden loyalists assemble highly edited security camera footage showing voters (on a cheaply made video loop) casting votes over and over and over again. Claiming Trump supporters jigged the election.

73 cases are brought by Biden attorneys to courts throughout the land, all the way to the Supreme Court. All fail. Miserably. As a result, not one vote or elector is changed. Not one. Several of Biden's attorneys are subsequently disbarred and brought up to the bar on career-ending ethics charges.

January 6th, 2025

An angry crowd gathers on the White House lawn and hears President Biden say that if they don't fight to save their country, they're not gonna have a country anymore. The mob marches down Pennsylvania Ave, storms past barricades, attacks police officers, smashes windows, defecates in offices and smears it on the Capitol walls and holds the building and the certification process hostage for most the day.

President Biden watches it all on TV while eating ice cream.

At the very last minute Kamala Harris yields to the very persistent President Biden and voids the certification of the Electors, throwing the election to the states, who vote 26-24 to keep President Biden in office. 

January 20, 2025

President Biden is sworn in for his second term.

75 million Republican heads spontaneously, and gloriously, combust.