I See Dead People

Just checked the calendar and realized I hadn't written about People We Need To Kill in well over a month. In fact I almost missed the May edition.

This is surprising on many levels, mostly because if I didn't think it would lead to trouble with the police, I could write about a new group of people we need to dispose of on a daily basis.

Spoiler Alert: If you like to smoke cigarettes you're not going to like what I have to say about your filthy habit. Better to hit the close button and step outside for some cancer nip.

Unlike other creative folk, I get to work at a decent hour, usually 9:30 in the morning. Sometimes 9:45 if traffic is slowed by imbeciles texting on the 405. And everyday, without fail, there is a small gaggle of women gathered in the designated outdoor smoking area or as I call it, God's Waiting Room.

My guess is these woman like get to work early, not because they strike me as incredible productive, but because they like to get out of bed as quickly as possible and light up. After all, those 8 hours of sleeping are 8 hours they are not smoking. And if there's one thing smokers don't like, it's being separated from their ciggies.

These particular smokers, the ones outside my office building, also don't like to be too far from their Cinnabuns and Ho-Ho's. As a man with a BMI in the high twenties, I know I have to tread lightly here. But as I have written about regularly on roundseventeen, I fight the fat everyday and exercise great self-denial on a daily basis.

I'm not sure these huffing and puffing women, who all look ten years older than they are, have denied themselves anything, anytime, anywhere. They are the embodiment of lazy, undisciplined overconsumption. Moreover, and perhaps this is what troubles me, they're so damn happy about it.

But why wouldn't they be? Between the non-stop smoking, the guiltless eating, and the cloying chit chatting, they've managed to get 8 hours of pay for 2 hours of work.

And lest you think I'm being misogynistic about this, I share equal disdain for the 300 lbs. guy who strolls the business park with three packs of Newports in one hand and a walking cane in the other.

For years health advocates have been trying to get tobacco companies to reduce the carcinogens in their products. I think this is a misguided approach and will only serve to delay the inevitable and increase the cost of all our healthcare.

If had my druthers, tobacco companies would increase the carcinogenic content in their coffin nails. And they'd throw in some hemlock just for good measure.

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