Wednesday, July 29, 2009

More Things Jews Don't Do

Not long ago I wrote about my impending camping trip. Today I am here, in one piece, to recount my hair-on-fire experience at the California Speedway.

For some unknown reason, my wife had given me the King for a Day Experience at the Richard Petty Driving School. An odd birthday present considering I've never watched a NASCAR race. I couldn't tell you the name of any NASCAR drivers. I've never exhibited the faintest interest in NASCAR.


Hell, I don't even eat macaroni and cheese.

Nevertheless, there I was being strapped into a 600 Horsepower multi-colored beast. When the crew chief guy flipped the ignition switch I was a split-second away from bailing out.

My palms were sweating. My feet were sweating. I'm pretty sure my stomach was sweating. But before I could utter, "You know I'm a big pussy, I don't think this is for me," he barked at me to put the car in gear and stay three car lengths behind the pace car.

I had it in fourth gear, a little prematurely I suspect, and was right on his tail through the first turn. He signalled for me to come in closer, so I laid into the accelerator. It was not like driving a car, it was more like I was piloting a land rocket. My peripheral vision disappeared. I don't remember seeing the stands. The sky. Or anything.

On top of that, I forgot everything they told us in the one hour safety session. Yellow light, no idea. Green light, not a clue. One orange cone on the apron, accelerate. Or was it decelerate?

My mind went blank. It was just two hands cemented to the thick rubber steering wheel, one foot on the gas, and a polyester jumpsuit mercilessly pinching my crotch as if to say, "You're on foreign land here, Jewboy."

But I did it. And I loved it. When the results came in I had a top speed of 128.3 mph.

I would go into a lengthier description of my day (maybe when the DVD documenting the drive comes along and I can post a Quicktime movie) but right now I've got to scratch one more activity off my list of Things Jews Don't Do.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to oil my musket.


Claudia said...

If you google "Jewish NASCAR Driver," there are no results (for good reason). BTW, when I worked on BMW, I went to the Bob Bondurant Driving School. That's on an even more particular list. "Things Jewish Women Don't Do." And don't go there, gutter mind.

rich said...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

max said...

My wife was adopted. Maybe she's secretly Jewish. Hilarious post. I'll bet you'd do okay in the truck series, by the sound of it. Move aside hick, here comes glasgowdick.

Deeeebbbbieee said...

A pal turned me on to your blog after she learned that I am taking my family to the Irwindale Speedway this weekend. It's Demolition Derby and Monster Truck night, ya know. I'm certain we will be the only Jews there. Unless you are going now that you are Speed Racer. Your blog's hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle.

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