Get me outta here

I'm going to Canada.

No, seriously. And it's not because this country is turning into a theocratic, authoritarian shit show -- which it is -- it's mostly because I need a break. And so Ms. Muse and I are hopping on a plane to go to Vancouver, a city of unimaginable beauty and cleanliness. And from there we are hopping on a boat, a very big boat, and cruising north towards the famed Inside Passage.

There, despite my weekly routine of massive salmon consumption, I will attempt to stuff even more rich fatty salmon into my shrinking body. 

"A Bloody Mary? Yes, I would like a Bloody Mary, can you add a skewer of raw salmon to that, thank you."

I've never done a cruise and have always been quite hesitant about boarding a ship the size of a Hyatt Regency hotel and leaving the comfort and safety of dry land. But there's only so much sand in my dial and figured now's the time to try new things. 

But not anything that contains broccoli. Or even its poor stepchild, broccolini.

This will be a different type of vacation for me. Foregoing the shorts and flip flops normally associated with a week in Hawaii or the Caribbean, in favor of sweaters, parkas and wool hats, which harken back to my very frigid days in Syracuse, NY. 

There's also some serendipity at play here.

We booked this cruise months ago. Since then I have been contacted by a client who does advertising for a major cruise line. And since I have never been on a cruise before, I can safely posit that this trip was simply research and preparation for an upcoming assignment as freelance writer extolling the wondrous adventures of cruising.

Shit, if Trump can claim billion dollars in losses on his wildly mendacious tax returns, I can certainly play the same card, and write this trip off as research and tell the IRS to kick rocks.

"Bartender, make that a double and do you have any sushi-grade salmon?"

Editorial note: Because I'll be on vacation I may or may not be posting on R17. Time, consumption of alcohol and the effectiveness of my prescription behind-the-ear sea sickness patches, will tell.

Until then, I leave you with this...