STFU

People with car alarms should be given the De*th Penalty.

I know you think I am being facetious. Or hyperbolic. Or slyly Swiftian. I am not. It's far too early in the morning, a cold rainy morning when I should be snuggled up under my blanket enjoying deep REM sleep, for me to muster up that kind of clever wordplay.

Furthermore, I haven't had the benefit of coffee. As I took my red hot anger straight to the keyboard before making my routine stop in the kitchen to fire up the Cuisinart and brew my necessary 8 cups of Joe.

In fact, without being too graphic, I didn't even take the time to slip into some tighty whitey's, shorts, T-shirt and flip flops, my standard California attire. I simply grabbed my new robe that my daughters got me for my birthday and made a beeline out to my front yard hoping to catch the aural offender and let my uncontrolled rage take over from there.

Sadly, by the time I had bolted from my bed, the 127 decibel ear piecing alarm...

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

... had stopped.

Like most people my age sleep comes easy. But because I'm often answering nature's frequent call, but it doesn't stay easy. I'd also like to point out that at this ungodly pre-sunrise hour, I was also enjoying a rare erotic dream. 

Unlike most mornings when I, and no doubt countless other veterans of the merciless ad industry, are caught in the PTSD nightmares of endless pitch meetings, pointless deadlines, and Lee Clow wondering why I haven't come up with any good ideas lately. 

"Lee, we didn't win the Wall St. Journal pitch. It's over."

Mind you, again at the risk of getting too graphic here, this one particular erotic dream involved Scarlett Johannson AND Charlize Theron. Two beautiful Hollywood starlets that don't get nearly enough callbacks from my subconscious and mysteriously-operating mind. 

Alas, if you're sensing my oversized anger, believe me when I tell you these written words can only convey a mere 37% of my current fury. If only I knew who to direct its searing laser focus at.

I had given serious thought to walking up and down the street and placing a hand on each parked vehicle just to set off the offending alarm again in order to confront the inconsiderate, ignorant, inhuman human who believes his or her precious minivan is worthy of such undue "protection". 

Did I mention Charlize Theron?

Finally, as a point of order. What good does a car alarm do if after 6:29 seconds of nonstop... 

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

BWAAAAH

... you haven't come of out your house to stop the supposed theft? It simply defies logic. 

It's probably a good thing that California has a mandatory 10 day waiting period before purchasing any firearm..

Probably, a very good thing.