Cannes 2022 -- New and Improved

After a two year Covid hiatus, Francophiles and lovers of corporate naval gazing have returned to peacock their new capri pants and pork pie hats while gushing over the world's most hated art form -- advertising. 

That's not sour grapes talking.

"In France, we do not have sour grapes like your hippie vineyards in California. In France we have only the best grapes. And we do not blend them into a...how you say...a Merlot. Yuchhhhh"

You'd think with the fall of our industry they'd put this old tired dog down. But the Cannes profiteers will have none of that. And indeed are boasting about the amazing crop of work that will earn its creators a worthless feline trinket and a fanny pack stuffed with swag.

"We have devoted Hall B to the finest email marketing campaigns, the world has ever seen. You will see Subject Lines and Pre-Headers crafted by the most talented copywriters who've ever clicked and clacked a keyboard. These are the cream of the crop emails that have artfully dodged the Trash File and raised the bar for email creators around the world."

And it doesn't stop there. 

While TV, print and OOH have virtually vanquished from Cannes consideration, promoters are quick to point out the most stunning, eye opening collections of banner ads the digerati -- and only the digerati -- have ever seen. These infinitely clickable banner ads are setting new standards of creativity unimaginable to those dusty practitioners of old legacy media. 

Banner ad makers will be eligible (depending on their entry fees) to snag a Cannes cat, including Bronze, Silver, Gold, Titanium and the newest award, Super Silicon in the following categories:

200 X 200

300 x 600

336 x 280

120 x 600 (the vaunted Skyscraper banner)

And the much beloved Page Takeover. And what internet user/brand loyalist doesn't love a well-crafted Page Takeover.

Of course every one of this year's Cannes participants, when not swigging Rose or hurling in the Holding Company Villa pool, will be eagerly awaiting the awarding of Lions for the best and most effective CTAs.

The early buzz is that the Brazilians are going to go home with the grand prize with their...

Aperte a porra do botão

(Hit the Fucking Button)

Disgruntled Americans are already crying foul and demand to see proof that this CTA was ever actually used. 

The tension is unbearable.