If I were Nancy Pelosi

If I were Nancy Pelosi, I'd be thrilled. The last two weeks, since making the formal announcement of the impeachment inquiry, have been peachy. My god, every day there have been gifts sent to us like manna from heaven.

Whether it's Rudy Giuliani going on TV and giving a Master Class on How Not To Be A Lawyer. Or even Sane.

To the extremely punchable doughy face of Mike Pompeo as he is caught in redhanded lie after redhanded lie.

Or the reports of the President of the United States requesting that his unpaid for Wall be complemented with a 2000 mile long moat. A moat filled with poisonous snakes and meat-deprived alligators.

It's my understanding that the writers of the Sharknado franchise have all just resigned, claiming, "we can't top any of this shit."

Where's it all going?

No one knows. But if I were Nancy Pelosi I'd be holed up in a room with my top aides and asking, "How can we make this hurt that witless, hogbellied cockwomble as much as possible?"

I know there's been talk of speeding up this impeachment process. Wrong. I say drag it out. Payback is a bitch. And there's no better torture than slow torture.

Slow.
Quiet.
Uncomfortable.

Years ago I was shooting a documentary. The director shared a little trick of his. He would point the camera at the interviewee, ask a question, film the answer, and then mercilessly let the camera roll. The silence was deafening. And in 9 cases out of 10, the interviewee, squirming from the tension, would fill the void with personal, often-revealing secrets that were never meant to be shared in public.

And so it goes with this inquiry.

The longer this lasts the more the failed condo-salesman/grifter/porn star banging miscreant in the White House will implode. He will out himself about other porn stars. He will try and sue the 65 million Americans who voted Democrat in the last election. He will literally invite the Red Army to take the streets of America, you know to get our country back.

Finally, when the House finally does pass the impeachment it will be time to hand the case over to the Senate. According to the rules, the House is to nominate 6 attorneys to prosecute the case in the Upper Chamber where the Supreme Court Chief Justice will preside over the case.

But here's where the coup de grace comes in.

We all know the Republican Senators will be itching to weigh in on the matter and proudly exonerate their President. And their party.

But if I were Nancy Pelosi, I would not give them that opportunity. I would let this ignorant, knuckle-dragging, fuckwaffle waddle into the next election as a permanently stained candidate. And when Mitch McConnell and Aunt Pity Patty (Lindsey Graham), itching to get past all this, start shouting from the rafters, "Where is the case Nancy? Where are the 6 attorney nominees?"

I would turn to them, stare them squarely in their shifty eyes and say, "Merrick Garland says Hello, motherfuckers."