Burger attacks man

I drove to a Burger King the other day.

That's somewhat newsworthy, as I am not a Burger King kind of guy.

I'm not a McDonalds type of guy either. Or Taco Bell. Or KFC. Or Pizza Hut. Or anything. I have no fast food joint of choice because I choose not to eat this kind of food. Save for my once a year pitstop at the Carl's Jr. in Mojave for our annual camping trip to the Eastern Sierras.

I'm so unaccustomed to the fast food phenomena that I almost drove several miles away from my house in search of a Burger King and then realized there was one just down the street.

It should also be noted that despite eschewing all types of fast food, I'm still fat. Though according to my doctor, "Rich, you're fat but you're incredibly strong. And fit." Then he put a rubber glove on and went where no else but he goes.

As the picture above indicates, I went to the Home of the Whopper for a reason.

I wanted to try the Impossible Burger.

If you hadn't noticed they are all over the airwaves, particularly now in this sweet spot of sports spectating when one football game leads into another MLB playoff game, followed by two more football games and topped with a dollop of pre-season college basketball.

I had already sampled the Beyond Beef alternative (full disclosure I do a lot of work for the Beyond beef ad agency and may be a bit biased.) My wife, also prone to media saturation, was also curious. So we brought some Impossible burgers home for lunch.

As it turned out, lunch pre-empted dinner. And the consequential Impossible Burger bloating robbed us of any appetite for the next day's breakfast.

Holy Methane Batman!

I'll spare you all the gory intestinal details, suffice to say that if there's any farting to be done around my house, it's usually from me. I have the good fortune to have married someone who never experiences flatulence. Or, at the very least, the good sense not to fire one in my direction.

For three days, every fan in the house was turned up to 11. And we brought back every cranberry/eucalyptus/jasmine candle that Bed Bath & Beyond had on their shelf.

I will say this, the burger was tasty, it was meat-like, it was incredibly Whopper-like.

But it was also appropriately named. Because after eating one Impossible Burger you will find it impossible to eat another.