Mouthbreather Mike

This is Senator Mike Braun from Indiana.

He is the last of my letters in the Thursday Thrashing Series that have become so popular. OK, not so popular. I know many of you wish I'd get off this political bandwagon and get back to the stuff that matters, bitching about advertising and my daughter's inability to clean up after themselves.

But this it. The End.

Well, almost the end. Since I plan on compiling all the letters into a handy dandy book, I also feel compelled to revise my correspondence with Senate Majority leader Mitch McMconnell. You know to tie things up neatly. Until then I give you this brainless wonder.

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5.16.19

Senator Mike Braun

374 Russell Senate Office Building

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Braun,

Congratulations, Mike. 

A little more than a year ago, I set out on a mission to write a letter to each of the 53 GOP US Senators. The numbers get hazy because some of you were booted out by a dissatisfied electorate who discovered the effort to Make America Great Again has become an effort to revive the Fourth Reich. 

Along with the senators leaving the chamber, there were a couple of new ones entering. Suffice to say, at this point I have lambasted the entire lot of you. 

And guess what? Of all those useless, Trump taint licking sycophants, you, Mike, in your magnificent, inimitable fecklessness, have come in dead last. 

Let me tell you, having become acquainted with the fishbrained antics of Bonehead Boozman, Barasso the Asshole, and Crappy Mike Crapo, that's quite the accomplishment. 

I know it's kind of juvenile and sophomoric to be tossing around 8th grade nicknames, particularly when they are aimed at our esteemed leaders, but I have to assume that since you've never voiced any objection to our president doing that you'll have no problem with me picking up the same practice. 

But you know what, Mike? I'd also like to congratulate myself on timing.

You see this week, you actually made the national news. And did it with such inefficacious, fustian flair that has become the Mike Braun signature.

When asked by reporters how your constituents, farmers in the great state of Indiana, were coping with the Chinese trade war, initiated by your own Captain Fuckknuckle, you hemmed, hawed, and blurted out...

"Most farmers have been weaned off of government involvement (socialism), but in the process of dealing with the Chinese, even though I don't like it (socialism) philosophically. We come to help them (socialism) if we are still at an impasse. I really believe with China it's going to take some time (more socialism)."

That's the kind of masterful, cover-all-bases, don't-upset-our Commander in Cheif, noncommittal unleadership that will serve you well Mike.

Well played sir, well played.

In ways too numerous to count, you Mike Braun, a know nothing, do nothing, passionless, soulless, rockbrained, ribbon-cutting, brownnosing bureaucrat may be the perfect embodiment of GOP Senator.

I hope one day they can get that all on your tombstone.

Thank you for your service, Mike.

Best,

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232