Howdy y'all.

It's only February 11, 2019 and the upcoming SXSW festival in Austin is a full month away, but I can already feel the excitement, anticipation and the vocational orgasms coming on.

Right now, as you guzzle down your 5th cup of coffee to steel yourself for the week ahead, ad hipsters are online purchasing their new porkpie pats and retro-cool Adidas sneakers in preparation for the big Hooplapallozza.

Crack reporters for R17 have been busy too.

And, as in year's past, have been able to smuggle out an advance look at some of the featured panels and discussions that...

ME (yelling to other room): Rachel, what's the word you use to call your friends and colleagues?

RACHEL: Friends and colleagues?

ME: No, like as if you were a douchebag old person and wanted to seem young?

RACHEL: Oh. Peeps.

ME: That's it, thank you.

...peeps will be enjoying while sucking on strawberry flavored USB jump drives and adorning their IPA beers with slices of pine cone.

These are some of your Don't Miss Events:


A Short Guide to Etiquette at the Long Table of Mediocrity™, March 8, 2019, 10 AM at the JW Marriot. Panelists will discuss pencil tappers, throat clearers, idea thieves, noise canceling headphones, and how to conduct a proper discussion with your gynecologist or urologist. Including a bonus session on scheduling a colonoscopy.

Fun with Foursquare, March 9, 2019, 1 PM at Muddy Joes Coffee Shop. Unwilling to fly the flag of defeat, the folks at Foursquare are ready to unveil a new suite of expanded services including locations check-ins for your dog, you cat and for those with pet affectations FerretSquare, the first location check in service for ferret owners.

Crankypants and Curmudgeons. March 11, 2019  2 PM. At the SoCo Shady Acres Retirement Home. A bunch of old time copywriters and art directors will bitch and moan about the glory of the old days, setting type, writing radio spots with a stopwatch and snorting coke off the tray table of First Class seats while flying on Pan Am Airlines.

WarpSpeed, The Art of Large File Transfer, March 11, 2019 4 PM at the Four Seasons. Panelists will discuss emerging digital technologies that promise to transfer huge, huge pdf files that will be hauled off to presentations and eventually ignored after reaching p.39.

Planners Planning Plans About Plans, Planning and Future Planners. March 12, 2019. 9 AM to 9 PM at the Westin Downtown. This all day affair will take an exhaustive look at Planning. No strategists will be permitted to enter. Guest speakers hail from all parts of England and will include: Shaggy, Dinghy, Mush Mouth, The Prince, as well as special guest planning team of Huff & Puff.