Happy New Year

Can you believe 5779 is already here?

Seems like it was just yesterday we were tossing sourdough baguettes in the Santa Monica Bay, blowing our shofars and welcoming in the year 5778. Time flies when your country is circling the toilet bowl.

I'm sure many of you are completely unaware of the Jewish New Year celebrations. After all, it seems awfully weird that the start of a new year would coincide with the end of summer. That hardly puts a smile on anyone's face. But if you're familiar with our customs, you know there's not a lot we do that screams unadulterated joy.

There's no fireworks.

No dragon costumes.

No shots of slivovitz.

No, we put on our stiffest most uncomfortable clothing, sit in a hot temple (in overpriced seats) and abuse ourselves with a tortuous cocktail of self flagellation and ancient Hebrew prayers written by goat herding amateur poets from five thousand seven hundred seventy nine years ago.

But that's just to get the party started.

Because a week from now, we'll put on those same monkey suits, go back to temple (some of us will even walk there because agony is the coin of our realm) and sit for an eternity without the benefit of breakfast, lunch, dinner or even a much needed Tic Tac.

Why?
Because that's just the way we roll.
And have been, for close to 6000 years.

But what makes it all so stunningly hilarious is the insane belief that some Sky Daddy is not only watching over us, but is actually monitoring it all from his gold-plated throne in the sky.

Moreover, he, or she, is taking notes on whether I fasted the appropriate 24 hours from sundown to sundown without so much as nibbling on a cheese stick. Or even a few fingers worth of Maker's Mark to take the edge of all that atoning.

That simply defies all rhyme or reason. Particularly when you allow your mind to be blown away by this (please adjust to highest resolution settings):




As one like-minded snarky atheist commenter so succinctly put it, "how cute of us to think we matter."

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to dip an apple slice in honey.

And then wrap it in some hot bacon.