The Joy of German Engineering

I never thought I'd be writing a RoundSeventeen post with that title. Particularly since I come from a long line of grudge bearers and a family who swore off German products since 1945.

There was that one time I wrote a series of manifestos for Volkswagen. But that was different. Someone was paying me money. And it's been well-established I'm a unabashed word whore.

Hell, if Precedent Shitgibbon paid me a full day rate and allowed me to work from home, I'd gladly pimp his sorry ass to the unwashed masses.

Maybe.

In any case, It's now been three weeks since I purchased my certified pre-owned Audi S5. And to be quite frank with you, or Franz as the case may be, I feel compelled to write about it. Mind you, I never felt that way when I purchased my previously-owned Lexus LS 460. Or my wife's Acura MDX.

Those were cars. And driving those cars felt like...well, driving those cars.

This is entirely different.

It's different from the moment you step in and feel the firm bolstered seats wrap around the body. It's almost as if the car is hugging you. When you close the big, oversized coupe door it sounds more like the hatch closing on a vacuum airlock aboard a space ship. That feeling is further enhanced when you push the button to start the ignition.

The car literally roars to life.

This is not by accident by the way. I know this because in the car settings the driver has the option to control the sounds of the engine. I also know this because after years of writing car ads I'm well acquainted with the little tricks ergonomics engineers build into the vehicles. That roar may be manufactured, but I don't care. I'm 44 years old I'm turning the volume up to 11.

The engineers have also built into the vehicle a certain tangible sense of precision. There's an indescribable level of refinement that makes pushing a button feel more elegant than simply pushing a button. Every turn of the knob is reciprocated with a pleasing click. You not only hear it, you feel it in your fingertips. It's pleasing in a way that makes me want to buy a pint of Germany's finest lager for the engineers at the Audi plant.

Again, I know all this because of my vocation I have become well versed in the crafting of automobiles and know that many men and women spent long hours in the lab tweaking the fit and finish to the point of exhaustion.

Picture Frau Hilda in a white lab coat manning a computer aided calibration machine while her colleague, Heinrich, fiddles with the volume control on the radio.

"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Ahhh...nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"Nein."
"NEIN!!!!"

(one last adjustment)

"Ya."

"Next week we work on windshield wiper speed control."

Wow, I haven't even touched the gas pedal and it looks like I am out of time and space. I'll save my longwinded description about driving the Audi S5 for another day.

Suffice to say I find myself, like some hackneyed idiot in a car commercial, making excuses to run errands. Particularly if those errands necessitate a hop on the Marina Freeway, which is often wide open and gives me the rare opportunity to own the left lane.

Stay tuned for upcoming posts about: radar guns, immovable CHIP officers and Traffic School.