We're going to court

I am very upset.

Unbeknownst to me or my wife, someone has been taking unwarranted pictures of our 18 year old daughter. Stealthily stalking and snapping shots of her, at her most vulnerable moments.

It's a modern day nightmare that is causing us all to lose vital sleep.

I should point out that the creeper in question is not some two-time loser with a rap sheet of lurid petty crimes.

No, the peeper in question is Big Brother.

Behold...

That's right my daughter faithfully executed the California Roll, failing to come to a complete stop at a red light before proceeding with a right hand turn. And it was captured on video by Culver City's state of the art webcam. Or so the city alleges.

It should be noted that there was no cop on duty and the only evidence they have of the infraction are these grainy photos. I don't know whether there's actual video footage I only know the government says there is.

In any case, the warpaint is being applied, the black Brook Brothers suit reserved for weddings, funerals and boring Rosh Hashanah services is coming out of mothballs. And the mustache, eyebrows and ears are all getting manscaped, because we're going to war.

I was denied my day in court when I threatened to take down the NordicTrack company and their flimsy stationary bike. They put the kibosh on my efforts when I began publicly and relentlessly humiliating Jillian Michaels (their spokesperson) on her Facebook page. They wisely refunded all my money and even paid to have that Chinese assemblage of cheap nuts and bolts hauled out of my garage.

Similarly I was robbed of my opportunity to deliver my version of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and judicate the differences I've had with the non-stop yelping of a neighbor's dog (that situation has been temporarily resolved. Somewhat.)

So I'm loaded for bear on this one.

$490 for an alleged teenage indiscretion?

"You're out of order. You're all out of order!"