My Dream Job

I was never a fan of MAD magazine, that is the magazine itself, which I found a bit childish.

But I devoured the MAD published hardcover books. You know, the material intended for the more discerning reader of sophisticated sophomoric humor.

You can keep your Robinson Crusoe, your Treasure Island and your homespun Mark Twain tales of life along the Mississippi, these are the books that shaped my life.

Wise asses aren't born, they're made.

Sadly however, in this sanitized world of corporate communications, where every good idea must pass through a gauntlet of small-minded over thinkers, there is little room for snappy or snarky. There is however plenty of room, wider and longer than the state of Kansas, for snoozy, stupid and inane.

I'm looking at you, people posed in front of the Statue of Liberty talking about your car insurance.

Or you, young couple taking two cars to the airport to pick up the in-laws and racing home on a bet.

And you, gaggle of vanilla white hikers in your $500 hiking shoes and your carb-free, taste free Michelob Ultra.

But then there is the Internet, a medium that allows for, and demands, instantaneous response far from the myopic eyes of corporate bureaucrats.

Last week Doritos, in support of LGBT rights, put out a bag of chips with a rainbow sticker.

There may be starving African children or weak Syrian immigrants hoofing over 1000 miles to reach safety, but right wing Christian extremists have far more important things to worry about. Like deep fried tortilla chips twisting the minds of nacho-eaters and promoting the homosexual agenda.

Pointy headed people with a keyboard and a 5th grade education took to the Twittersphere to give Doritos a piece of their mind, which unsurprisingly is not in great supply.

That's when Mike Melgard, posing as a representative for Doritos stepped in and stepped up to the plate with some snappy answers to stupid questions.

You can read some of the gems here.

Apparently, Mike, a fellow union member of WiseCrackers, Local #517, was not in the employ of the Frito Lay Company, makers of Doritos. But in my mind should be.

While scanning job boards, smiling and dialing, and plying my wares as a freelance copywriter, I see hundreds of ads for Social Media Managers.

I have no idea what they do. I'm guessing they snowball their way through meetings with their finely-honed expertise of Instagram, SnapChat, Figgle, Jazzle and a hundred other platforms I've never heard of.

But if it were up to me, and clearly it's not, every Fortune 500 company would and should have a high paid hired gun who can take to the Internet, armed to the teeth with wit, cunning and lightning fast bon mot.

Did I mention that this on staff jester should be highly paid?