Judgment Day

If you follow the polls, and I do, you probably know the role of organized religion is decreasing in America. I find that to be quite encouraging. It's a trend that has been amplified by social media. And as I have made abundantly clear, I'm more than happy to spread the faith of faithlessness.

Of course this is often countered with the hypothetical…

"Rich, what if there is a God and you have to come face to face with him on Judgment Day?"

That's an excellent question, but I don't see why I should have to wait for this divine encounter.


GOD: Why have you gone out of your way to deny my existence?

ME: Why is it so important that I acknowledge your existence? I see my refrigerator everyday. I see my toothbrush everyday. I see my dwindling stock portfolio everyday. I don't need to stop twice or three times or even five times a day to recognize their they'reness. I don't want to shortchange you but if anything deserves my praise it's the coffee machine. I'd be lost without it.

GOD: How do you think it all got created?

ME: To be honest, I don't think it got created. I think it was always just here. Just like I don't think there is an end to space, I don't believe there is a beginning of time. I believe it is a concept beyond human comprehension.

GOD: Fair enough, but if the universe is so complex and so perfectly designed, surely something must have created it?

ME: The old Watchmaker Theory. Yes, I will concede the universe is incredibly complex. The gravitational pull of the planets, the careful prescribed orbits, the heat and light from the Sun just right to sustain life on earth. And perhaps elsewhere. Yes, one would assume all that necessitates a Creator. But then who created you?

GOD: I am God. I have always been. And always will be. I am beyond time and space.

ME: Hello! (said with a sarcastic shrug of the shoulders)

GOD: But I have given you my commandments and demand your respect.

ME: You also gave us a brain capable of solving differential equations, re-engineering DNA and digging a trough through Central America to connect the Atlantic and the Pacific. Why would you be surprised if we used that same brain to question your being and your mysterious ways. If anything I should be given extra credit for critical thinking…

GOD: You call that critical thinking? I call it glib, facile college freshman Philosophy 101.

ME: You're entitled to your opinion.

GOD: I have to get to an Alabama-Auburn football game, I think we're done here.

ME: While we're on the topic of respect? How about an explanation for Eichmann, the Kardashians, hair growing out of my ears, the last second jumper by Keith Smart to beat Syracuse in the 1987 NCAA Tournament, your fixation on bacon, American Airlines baggage policy, jihad, patriarchy, swamps, the Spanish Inquisition, cancer, kids with cancer, Ken Hamm and his stupid ark, and dogs. You give us these great loving animals and then you take them out of our lives way too soon.

All due respect God, you can be a bit of a douchebag.

GOD: OK, that's about enough.

ME: If you're going to send me downstairs can I get a different robe? Something in all cotton, not a polyester blend. I've got a thing with excessive sweating.

But then, you knew that didn't you?