I Ought to be in Austin

Many of my friends and colleagues are in the Lone Star State.

I am not.

In fact, I've only stepped foot in Texas once. San Antonio, to be more specific. For 5 minutes. Possibly the happiest 5 minutes of my life.

You see, three hours earlier my partner and I had stepped onto a miniature Lear Jet in Van Nuys, CA. It was the first time I'd ever flown in a private jet so I was unfamiliar with the accommodations. As we neared our cruising altitude of 47,000 feet I felt the urge to relieve myself. The flight attendant/co-pilot told me I was more than welcome to use the facility.

In order to do my business I would have to get on my knees and crawl into a tiny space outfitted with an even tinier port-a-potty. All next to a paper-thin wall separating me from my boss, Lee Clow.

It was a no-go, no-flow zone as far as I was concerned. Fortunately, we had to touch down in San Antonio to refuel the jet in order to reach our destination, Tampa Bay.

As soon as the ground crew guy unlatched the door I bolted out like an angry bull in a rodeo pen.

I have different memories for different cities. San Antonio will always be about removing the spur in my bladder.

That is not to tar the entire state of Texas.

In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing Austin.

I hear it's pretty cool. Or as the kids like to say "sic" or "tight" or "dope." By the way, if you're over 35 years in age, and I just turned 44 so this applies to me as well, you should never utter the phrase, "that's dope."

If I ever do make it to Austin it most certainly won't be for the SXSW.

As many of you know, I abhor large crowds.
I especially abhor large crowds of affected advertising people.
And finally I have no tolerance for large crowds of affected advertising people sporting knit caps, dreads and friendship bracelets, pontificating about what we can all look forward to in 2015.

Pontification and unfounded opinionating should be conducted by bald, cynical industry veterans, alone in their den, with ample caffeine, vicoden and fading memories of glorious days gone past.

That said, if you are in Austin for the SXSW, here are my top five can't miss panels and discussion groups you won't want to skip:


Media Planning Forum to Synthesize Transparent Infrastructures, 
Tuesday 9:30 AM at the Digital Palapa


Chief Innovation Officers Panel on the Future Incubation of B2B Paradigms, 
Wednesday 11:30 AM at the Westin Kale Bar and Juicing Station


Productizing Dynamic Channels and Best Practice Web Services, Wednesday 1:30 PM in the Pop-Up Parking Lot


Recontextualizing the Scalable Workspace Via The Community Table and Particle Board Extension Leafs, 
Thursday 6:30 AM, hosted by the Barbarian Group


Maximizing Upward Profit Distribution to the C-Suite Through Fear, Merciless Attrition and Next Generation Accounting Principles, 
Friday 10:00 AM at the Ponzi Room
and again Saturday 8:30 PM in the Carlo Gambino Conference Center