Spurn the other Cheek

I know after reading this post, many of you husbands will want to send me Thank You cards.

In fact, if I'm reading the recently-discovered Beginner's Packet published by the Christian Domestic Discipline Movement, many of you wives and girlfriends will also want to shower me with appreciation.

Or something else.

First a primer.

Christian Domestic Discipline is the practice between two consenting life partners in which the Head of the Household (that'd be me) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measure to create a healthy home environment and the necessary measures to punish unwanted and detrimental behaviors for the greater good of the family.

If you hadn't guessed this involves loss of privileges, time outs and spanking. Lots of spanking.

I've given the Beginner's Packet a cursory glance and pulled some nuggets in case you and your partner wanted to make this magical journey, my words, not theirs.

For instance, here's how they suggest you broach the topic of domestic disciplining...

"Hey Sweetheart. I just wanted to talk to you about something. I know it might sound strange and I certainly understand that. But, I think it could really help our relationship, especially with ___________________ (you are to fill in your own issues). I'd like to try it because I love you a lot and I want our relationship to be the strongest it can be."

You might want to transcribe those words on index cards and commit them to memory before talking to her over breakfast. Also make sure there are no iron skillets nearby.

They also suggest going slow.

"Take things slow. Establish the foundation. Don't be in a hurry to catch up. Begin to add on from there as the weeks, months and years go by."

That certainly seems to make sense to me. But I'd certainly like to know which couples I need to catch up to.

It's easy to scoff at all this but as the Huffington Post makes clear many women report...

"...feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them and their relationship enough to help them modify their behavior."

The booklet even details the proper methods for spanking.

"For beginners it's recommended either a hairbrush, a wooden spoon, or a wooden paddle be used. The recommended number of strikes is 15. But 20 may be necessary for the desired result."

I wonder how many strokes it will take before my wife agrees to make me a sandwich. With cheese. And toasted bread.