You know you want it.

You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Last week I shared the story of Sandee Westgate and one of the last Taco Bell commercials we filmed at Chiat/Day. And to lure you in I baited the hook with an almost-NSFW shot of her from Google images. Well, the traffic numbers have been analyzed and let's just say you people are driven by base instincts.

In that light here's another story about my brush up with the porn world. And by the way, if you live in Los Angeles, even if you're a Southern Baptist, home-schooling, tomato-canning survivalist, you're within 6 degrees of fornication of the porn world.

In March of 2009 I was hired to be the Interim Creative Director at DIRECTV, in charge of their Tier 3 and Tier 4 communications. It was FSI's, local dealer inserts, newspaper ads, the kind of stuff that is frankly more useful as kitty litter lining than meaningful persuasion. But it was a good day rate, a long term gig and we, the country, were in the middle of a financial crisis.

I was happy to take their money and churn out the kind of punny work that so easily passes for clever.

It wasn't very challenging but it was interesting to immerse myself into the client environment. I think all ad agency creatives should do this so they get a proper perspective on what it means to actually work.

Everyday I would show up at the corporate headquarters in El Segundo with hundreds of DIRECTV staffers. They were always dressed up. They didn't show up with their dogs. They didn't ride Razors down the hallways. And when you'd walk by their cubicle, they weren't shopping on Zappos or Facebooking or playing Snood, they were nose-deep in spreadsheets, analysis reports and sales charts.

I never knew what any of it meant but the results speak for themselves. DIRECTV is the number one provider of satellite TV service. They are the market driven kingpins. They are meticulous and leave no trend or percentage point or customer comment card unturned. It's all about the details.

Which is all the more fascinating when you consider that they have an entire team committed to bringing you the finest in adult entertainment. As my buddy Jeff pointed out, a significant portion of DIRECTV's revenue stream comes from channels 593-599, the pay per view porn.

"Ever push the button for the 7th floor? You can't go there unless you have a certain key card. That's where the porn people work", Jeff added.


That's when it struck me that everything I was seeing on the fourth floor was being duplicated on the seventh. Dedicated professionals striving, fighting, aching to do their best and make a career for themselves in the efficient delivery and distribution of smut.

I hate status meetings, but oh what I would have given anything to sit in on one of theirs.

"Where are we with the new MILF movies?"


"I just got off the phone with Vivid. Next month they're releasing Housewives Gone Wild 14 and Cougars and Corndogs."


"Good. Dennis, I'm seeing a 2.3% revenue drop in Legal and Latino. What's going on?


"My team is digging into the ASI reports as we speak and we have some focus groups scheduled in Houston, Detroit and Des Moines."


"Alright let's get to bottom of that. Liz, I understand you've got a new poster for the new Sappho series?"


"We have it as a pdf. I'll put it up on the powerpoint so everyone can see it."


"That's nice. Good work. One thing though. That dildo looks a little small. Anybody else think that?"


Murmur, murmur, murmur.


"Can we make that cock 10% bigger? Can we do that?"