Mas Pupus?

50 years from now, no one will be hosting the Kevin James Film Festival; A Cinematic Look Back on the Man's Huge Body of Work. The truth is, he has strung together an impressive number of flops. An Al Queda operative has a better chance of blowing up a plane with a jock strap bomb than Kevin has of hitting theatrical pay dirt.

Nevertheless, I do find myself laughing out loud at his antics. Perhaps its because of his excess girth or the fact that we both hail from Flushing, NY. But you put me on a plane with a non-stop loop of the King of Queens, Doug Heffernan and his dysfunctional marriage, and I'm a happy camper.

Of course this is not to imply that Kevin James has not made an impact in the world of film. Weighing in at more than 300 lbs. it would be hard NOT to have an impact.

Let me explain.

Last week, while vacationing in Hawaii, my wife and I were enjoying a sunset dinner at the Hale Kai restaurant and just as another plate of pupu's was being placed on the table I looked up and noticed a security guard was tooling around the property. He wasn't just any security guard. Though the light was dimming I could tell this man was no stranger to the buffet table. And he wasn't just tooling around the property either. He was propped up on a Segway (the SW9000 Beach Cruiser, I believe).

Now this where I owe you the reader an apology. Had I been thinking straight and not under the influence of several Cucumber Pomegranate Pineapple Mojitos I would have been quick enough to snap a photo of the man. I didn't. But I think you get the the picture.

If you don't get the picture consider this: the minute Mr. Rent A Cop and a Half whirled away from the restaurant, almost every person seated under a thatched hut was heard to whisper, "Paul Blart, Mall Cop."

So here's a little note to all barrel-chested men, who like myself might have a weakness for beef ribs and garlic sourdough toast, if you ever find yourself sporting a tin badge and polyester pants and someone offers you some motorized, gyroscopic transportation, kindly look them them in the eye and say,
"No thanks, I'd prefer to hoof it."