The Gross Net

There was a time when a green envelope from the Writers Guild got me all giddy like it was my birthday or Christmas. OK, maybe not Christmas, more like the 8th day of Hanukah when my parents would be done with the crappy gifts and bring out the good stuff.

In the months following the premiere of STAY TUNED, typical residual checks were in the four digits. As time went on however and the movie moved further and further back on the shelves at Blockbuster, the checks came less frequently.

And then they sank to the 3 digit and 2 digit level.

By now you'd be lucky to see a copy of the movie in the clearance bin at the Tehachappi Walmart off route 58. Though my understanding is that the John Ritter/Pam Dawber flick is a cult favorite in the mountainous regions of Uruguay. Which explains why I'm still getting mailbox money for my paltry contribution to the movie.

That's no typo. The good folks at Warner Bros. Pictures took the time and effort to send me a residual check for 4 cents.

Of course that was before the government got a little taste as well.

I have since written a letter to my local congressmen instructing them I would like the penny deducted from my residual check to be magnanimously sent in the aid package to Pakistan, so that they can stockpile nuclear weapons, rebuild their madrassas and get back to the important work of persecuting homosexuals, oppressing woman, and brainwashing children about the

cold-hearted Great Satan -- America.