Getting their rocks off

In its latest display of Neandarthal theatrics, a panel of Iranian judges have sentenced 42-year old Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani to die by stoning.

The woman's offense? Adultery.

The reason why she would have sex with TWO Iranian men, much less one, does call the women's judgment into question. However, wouldn't a public humiliation on a show like CHEATERS be a more reasonable punishment?

A careful reading of the highly sophisticated Iranian penal code (because Allah really is in the details) shows the true barbarity of the sentence.

According to tradition, the woman is to be buried up to her chest and the executioners --that is, the stone throwers -- are to be given rocks that are large enough to cause pain but NOT large enough to kill her. Thus inflicting maximum anguish.

This, coupled with the promise of clean, non-weaponized nuclear power and the absence of homosexuals, explains why millions of people from around the globe are packing up their belongings and waiting in line to emigrate to Iran.

"Give me your tired, your poor, your lustful women yearning to be pelted into the earth..."