Our Fierce Fighting Forces

Last week, Congress moved one step closer to eliminating the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.

Frankly, it's been a long time coming.

I don't understand how any sane person could argue against allowing gay men and women to serve openly in our military forces. And since our armed services are all volunteers, I find it even more puzzling why a gay man or woman would choose to lay their life on the line for a country that denies them full citizenship.

I also don't understand how a person's sexual preference has anything to do with their ability to function as a soldier. Are we willing to apply the same logic to other preferences? I like New England Clam Chowder, but would have no problem serving in the same unit as some effete gastro-snob who prefers clam chowder of the less hearty Manhattan variety.

Besides, homosexuals have served openly in the Israeli Defense Forces. I don't see anyone questioning their efficiency. Or aggressiveness.

I often poke fun at the infantile behavior found in the Middle East: the persecution of so-called witches, warlocks and apostates, death threats to Mickey Mouse and fatwas over the drawing of cartoons. But frankly, the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy seems equally as childish.

It's the kind of childish behavior one expects from 9 year olds and not from the people with whom we entrust our nation's security.

Sgt: Sir, I'm afraid I have bad news.

Lt. Colonel: What's that Sergeant?

Sgt: It's Wilson, sir.

Lt. Colonel: What about Wilson?

Sgt: I think...I think....

Lt. Colonel: Damnit Sergeant, spit it out.

Sgt: I think Wilson has the Cooties.

Lt. Colonel: My god! Are you sure?

Sgt: Pretty sure. I have an excellent sense of Cootie-Dar.

Lt. Colonel: Did you ask him if he has the Cooties?

Sgt: No can do, sir.

Lt. Colonel: Damn regulations.

Sgt: Not sure he'd tell us even if he did have Cooties.

Lt. Colonel: This is serious. An outbreak could destroy the fighting spirit of the whole battalion. (PAUSE) OK, get headquarters on the phone. Tell them to send a medic down here immediately.

Sgt: Right away, sir.

Lt. Colonel: I want every man and woman on the base to get a Cootie shot.

Sgt: A Cootie Shot, sir?

Lt. Colonel: You know.

The Lt. Colonel protrudes his middle finger knuckle and jabs it into the thick of the Sergeant's upper arm.

Sgt: Right Lieutenant. I guess that's why you're wearing the oak leaves, sir.