No mayo

I am haunted by the image of this near septuagenarian, seen regularly in ads featured in the Los Angeles Times. Though he is 69, old enough to be my father, he has the rock hard abs and body of an NFL linebacker.

In the last three years, I've run 2 marathons and been on a high protein, low carb, high exercise (swimming, running, weight-lifting) regimen that would kill many 30 year olds.

And yet, even after swearing off Jack Daniels, Chile Lime Tostitos and pregnant burritos from the El Nopal Restaurant, I still find myself struggling to squeeze into my size 34 waist jeans.

Clearly, my genes have been cursed.

In addition to excessive hirsuteness and frugality, my Bronx-born Jewish father and Glasgow-born Presbyterian mother have bequeathed me with a Kirstie Allie-like inability to metabolize calories.

Which has me wondering, does the Goodwill store accept old Speedos?