A peaceful solution.

Shortly after 9/11, I decided life was too short to deny myself every pleasure known to married man. So, despite my wife's disapproval, I bought myself a jacuzzi for the backyard.

It was a brilliant decision.

Every night, without fail, I retreat to the garage, disrobe entirely (thankfully no hyperlink provided) and submerge myself in the 104 degree bubbling water. And every night, without fail, I emerge from the jacuzzi, calmer, happier and more at-ease with the world.

This is no small feat. Considering I was born in the Bronx, raised by raving screamers, worked my way through college as a short order cook, lost a fortune in the recent financial meltdown and live in a house with three woman crossing various hormonal thresholds.

And that's what got me thinking. If a simple hot tub can work those kind of wonders on me, perhaps there is some hope in our current clash of civilizations.

What if we are going about this Iraq/Afghanistan/Pakistan/Taliban/Al Queda situation all wrong? Maybe these militant Muslims wouldn't be so hot-headed if they they just took some time to soak in some hot water? If we can't win their hearts and minds, maybe we can relax their aching infidel-killing muscles?

I'm not sure this is the right solution, but considering our lack of progress in this area, it is worthy of consideration.

I'd love to see the Pentagon make a massive airdrop in the Wazristan Valley. I call it OPERATION: DESERT SCHVITZ.

Now, I'm a big fan of Sundance. And the Maxxus 880 Series can accommodate 6 Jihadis. Each model has 55 radical calming jets. And believe me, the patented Fluidix jet can go a long way to soothe the urge to strap on a suicide vest.

To show we really mean business, we should go the extra mile and include some Spazazz Fragrance Crystals.

I like the Eucalyptus mint.