Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Tales from the Bench

We are days away.

Not only from my release from Facebook Jail.

This is my sixth infraction and each time my punishment gets easier to bear. For those who don't know, it's a read/write type of thing. You can see what's being exhibited, however you are not allowed to post or answer any texts or messages via Facebook Messenger.

So if in the future -- and this is guaranteed to happen again -- if you don't hear from me, it's probably because I got sent to Zuckerberg Supermax.

Or, I'm watching football, which is also just days away.

I couldn't be happier. But do you know who is really happy? The folks at the NFL Network. They are ecstatic.

I've done a lot of promo work for the NFL Network over the years. Season rivalries. Post season fever. And of course the big Super Bowl. I'd write football spots for free. Just don't tell anyone.

I'm not revealing any state secrets here, but you can imagine how those barren, football-less months between February and August present them with quite a challenge. It's hard to hype a football network when there's no football.

And there's only so many times you can watch reruns of the Ice Bowl.

"'s 12 degrees below zero...Bart Star takes the snap...moves to his right...goes off tackle...wedges behind Kramer and lurches himself into the end zone...Packers win...Packers win...Lambeau Field is going crazy."

Of course, there's the Draft and the Combine. But apart from the odd fashion choices of these new young millionaires and the opportunity to watch big fat men run wind sprints, who wants to watch that?

Well, it turns out, I do.

And next year's combine will hold special interest for me.

You see, I've been doing a little research and discovered that NFL rookies are subjected to a raw strength test. The noobies compete with each other to see who can bench press 225 lbs. the most times.

You can read about it here:

Last week -- and I promise not to bore you with this any more -- I benched 225 lbs. That's more than my body weight. And I did it twice. Not bad for a fat 44 year old man. But not good enough either.

By the time next year's NFL combine rolls around, I hope to be able to do as many reps as JJ Dielman, the last player cited on the list.

Anyone up for a wager?

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